Ask Glynis Sherwood MEd – Therapist & Coach
Winter 2023
Ask the Therapist & Coach is an education & information column only. It is not counseling nor a substitute for psychotherapy.
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Question
I have gone very Low Contact with my parents over the last 8 years, which wasn’t too hard to do, as they live 4 hours away from me. It was the only choice I had – the constant insults, put downs and gaslighting from my mother was just gut wrenching.
Unfortunately, my 83 year old father had a heart attack, and I feel I want to spend time with him again. I know in my heart, it isn’t him, that my narcissist mother is the problem. I believe my father isn’t treated much better by my mother.
My brother is the Golden Child, and he sees the dynamic as well. In fact his therapist feels my brother has PTSD from my mother, and believes I have it as well. We both have been so brow beaten from childhood on, neither one of us has good self esteem, and we both lack in
confidence. Also, it takes both of us days, even weeks to recuperate emotionally from our mother’s abuse.
I just went for the very first visit after 8 years to see my dad. Whenever I do see my mother, she makes it very clear that I’m not going to inherit anything, and she is leaving it all to my brother because I’m married and I have a home. She actually has called me a trophy wife! My brother also has a home with his girlfriend a block away from her home.
I’ve read that this is what narcissistic parents do – they write you out of the will, as another way to control and hurt the scapegoat. Is there any advice you can give me on how to handle this? I’ve talked to a lawyer, and needless to say he was shocked by what I told him. He just said to wait and see. In British Columbia, Canada the laws are pretty good about fairness between siblings. I know it’s toxic to go visit, but I am missing my father and my brother. They both have it way worse than me. I’m at a loss of what to do. Any advice would be wonderful.
Answer
You’ve been through a really tough time, especially with your mother. You mention that going Low Contact was relatively easy to do geographically, but it certainly seems like you experienced a lot of hurt and difficulty prior to setting this much needed boundary. It’s so hard when abusive family members won’t back down due to self righteous or narcissistic blindness and / or outright cruelty.
It can be very challenging to maintain connection with a close family member, knowing that you will have to navigate a high conflict ‘gatekeeper’ to do so. Sounds like your parents are in some kind of enmeshed union that could make accessing your father difficult.
I hear the depth of empathy you have for your brother. Sadly, it doesn’t surprise me that you have both experienced trauma due to repeated abuse at the hands of your mother. This type of ongoing relationship trauma is referred to as Complex PTSD. (Please check out my article for more information). In a nutshell, Complex Trauma symptoms include those of PTSD, such as hypervigilance, anxiety, intrusive memories, flashbacks, numbing, flooding, but also, as you point out, deep injuries to your sense of self worth and recurring emotional triggering / reactivation. The cumulative effect of decades-long relationship trauma can include decreasing ability to rebound from abusive encounters, due to the Limbic Kindling effect.1
The Limbic System is part of the brain involved with emotional and behavioral responses, and memory functions. It includes the amygdala (emotions, such as fear) and the hippocampus (emotion, memory and autonomic nervous system). The Limbic System structures are tasked with survival, and are particularly sensitive to ‘threats’ transmitted by fear and/or anger responses.
Limbic kindling is a condition where, in the case of an abusive family home environment, repeated exposure to a short-term high intensity stimulus such as verbal, emotional or physical violence, eventually leads to a persistent hypersensitivity to that stimulus. This can cause increased susceptibility to emotional reactivity – aka triggering – into repetitive threat responses such as fight, flight, freeze or collapse. Freeze and collapse reactions often stem from an inability to either stand up for oneself (fight) or flee a threatening situation (flight). This is typically the plight of a child, who is unable to protect themselves due to dependency on the parental figure – also known as capture bonding – who is threatening them.
The theory that limbic kindling can hard-wire the brain to produce an unhealthy stress response is based on clinical observation and reports by trauma survivors of chronic sympathetic nervous system arousal, where they feel constantly anxious, even when the stressor is absent, and consequently exhausted – ie chronically fatigued – from being on edge all the time. It sounds like you become negatively emotionally activated in your mother’s presence, likely due to this ongoing re-triggering dynamic. It’s wise that you have decided to significantly reduce contact, in order for your nervous system to be able repair itself.
It certainly takes courage to face a hostile parent like your mother, in order to spend time with your father. You haven’t mentioned it, but is your father aware of how difficult things are with your mother? Is he willing or able to take steps to minimize the difficulties your mother imposes on your relationship? I’m reading between the lines here, but I get the impression that you don’t experience much active support from your father when it comes to managing these very difficult interactions with your mother.
Are you able to have a private conversation with your father regarding your parent’s estate? It sounds like you are dedicated to your dad, but is he there for you in these important matters? It would be so much easier to have estate issues taken care of reasonably and equitably in your father’s will, rather than having to fight it out in court – at possibly considerable cost financially and emotionally – posthumously.
Wishing you all the best!
Notes
Limbic Kindling: Hard Wiring the Brain for Hypersensitivity and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Niki Gratix, Health Rising, May 17, 2014
Need help overcoming family scapegoating, Complex Trauma or dealing with Narcissistic behavior in family relationships? Check out my Family Scapegoat Counseling & Coaching page
Counseling and Coaching is available by Video in select countries around the world.
Glynis Sherwood – MEd, International Association of Psychology and Counseling, specializes in recovery from Family Scapegoating, Narcissistic Abuse, Low Self Esteem, Chronic Anxiety, Estrangement Grief and Relationship Challenges.