by Glynis Sherwood – MEd
All people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder / Organization are misanthropic.¹ They have contempt for people in general, including folks they get narcissistic supply from, due to feelings of superiority – aka grandiosity – and resentment at being dependent on others they look down on. This is the narcissist’s ironic cross to bear, and an ordeal for others who are on the receiving end of the NPD’s disdain, regardless of how caring they’ve been towards the narcissist.
Even more troubling, men with Narcissistic Personality are particularly misogynist. Not only do NPD men view women from a position of superiority, but they also do not see women as full human beings, ratcheting up deeper feelings of devaluation. This prejudice may be unconscious, while they rationalize being sexually attracted to women whom they do not see as people like themselves. Instead, they tend to see women as weak and inferior, eschewing any kind of emotional connection or vulnerability with them. They further fear and mistrust women due to their own sexual attraction to and emotional dependency on women whom they don’t fundamentally respect. In addition to narcissists’ tendency to objectify all human beings, misogyny may be intergenerational and patriarchal, causing men to normalize socially sanctioned bigoted attitudes towards women.
Homosociality, non-sexual same sex bonding, pedestalizes male relationships over women, and provides a legitimized, male dominated environment for narcissistic men to attain supply from ‘safe, respectable’ sources, meaning other men. Although homosocial bonding can reflect mentorship, loyalty, healthy competition and emotional closeness, narcissistic men engage in these spaces for completely self centered, unhealthy reasons. As such, homosocial male bonding creates a closed, solipsistic, echo chamber, predicated on narcissism.
Narcissistic men may identify as heterosexual, but their emotional energy is invested in men. They crave the validation of men whom they envy or look down on, and work to get it. They romanticize men as the ideal – i.e. the most intelligent, creative, moral, physically strong gender – and, therefore, superior to women. They only come alive when in the presence of men, with the exception of the love bombing phase of courting or seducing a woman which is performative, in service of gaining supply. Narcissistic men acquire women as status symbols of virility and desirability to flaunt in front of other men. In this sense, they are completely dependent upon the male gaze to validate their status as the procurers of desirable supply that women, especially attractive women, represent. Women are reduced to ornaments in this pantomime of social climbing.
Typically, narcissistic men have a fraught relationship with their own mother, via trauma, neglect or abuse. They tend to possess a deep, sometimes unconscious, hatred towards all females, whom they associate with their mother.
Furthermore, narcissistic men view sex roles stereotypically. Women are objectified, and viewed as ‘support staff’, i.e. providers of services such as free psychotherapy, PR departments, a nurturing home environment, emotional recharging stations, sexual submission, etc. Narcissistic men expect this from women as their duty to ‘superior’ men. Love, commitment, loyalty and devotion are things the heterosexual narcissistic man believes he is owed by women. At the same time, the NPD man does not feel compelled to reciprocate or make any type of emotional investment which, regardless, he is mentally incapable of due to the relational impairments caused by the disorder.
Narcissistic men use women in a parasitic and predatory manner to provide the appearance of normalcy and heteronormative acceptability. These men enter into marriages, and become parents, without ever establishing a love connection with their partner. They feel both entitled to and contemptuous of the female attention they crave, and resent women for their own dependency on them. They acquire a woman, and children, to prove to their male peers that they are a hot commodity, fertile, virile, etc, without ever feeling compelled to invest in the higher masculine virtues of being a safe, reliable and secure haven for their woman or children.
An attractive and / or high status woman who possesses beauty, a prestigious career, status contacts, a ‘pedigree’ (e.g. from a wealthy or powerful patriarchal family) is both a prop, a threat and a balancing act. The NPD man wants to be admired or envied by other men for ‘possessing’ this woman, but can’t let her outshine his masculine – meaning superior – identity. He wants to be seen as highly desirable and powerful by other men, all the while pretending he’s not controlled by masculine approval.
A narcissistic man who’s achieved some level of success, may choose a woman who is more accomplished than he is, as it makes him look good, then privately dominate her, so he can feel superior. An accomplished woman is viewed as both a potential prop and a threat. He will alternately make her feel small behind the scenes to control her and minimize the threat to his ego she represents, then make a show of parading his trophy in front of other men.
As narcissistic men are ‘phallocentric’, some of these men are on the downlow sexually, ranging from masturbating to gay porn, to hook ups with other men. They identify erotically with the same sex, for to prioritize women would be to downgrade themselves. At the same time, they convince themselves that they are straight men, and rationalize their homosexual proclivities by claiming a ‘high’ male sex drive which, for their convenience, might include sex with both genders. Revealing clues by these men may include statements such as “I’m not gay, but I find MAN X extremely attractive”; Spending extra time cleaning or grooming their private parts; and boys nights out that last until early in the morning or the next day.
These secretive, defensive homosexual behaviors reflect the deeper disturbance in all Narcissistic men: a lack of a consistent core identity. They have an unstable sense of self, including shifting expedient values, beliefs and, for some, sexual orientation.
For the sexually ambiguous narcissistic man, sex with women is emotionless and performative, based on physical release and transient pleasure but, more importantly as status markers in stereotypical heterosexual politics. A Narcissistic man is much more invested in ‘scoring’, and communicating these ‘achievements’ to male peers, as status symbols of dominance and potency. As such, he does not value sexual intimacy as a reflection of his personal capacity for mature emotional connection and investment in quality relationships.
Patriarchy is a narcissistic ideology, based on the assumption of the social primacy of men, their bloodlines, and their characteristics. Traditional masculine traits such as dominance, competitiveness and charisma, are also narcissistic traits that are socially valued and rewarded, especially by other men. Patriarchally identified men dislike the fact that, in reality, they depend deeply on women emotionally and sexually, as it places them in a ‘one down’ position. So they objectify, dehumanize and try to control women, to maintain the illusion of having the upper hand. In essence, narcissistic heterosexual men serve the fading ideology of male supremacy, and the misogynistic men who occupy these dying outposts. But, in truth, dominance of others is the objective of all people with NPD. In the black and white – ie splitting – world of narcissists, you are either one up or one down. And the only acceptable position for the full blown Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual is the one up position, whether real or imagined. Patriarchy serves the ‘splitting’ agenda of the homosocial NPD man, as it privileges the fantasy of innate male superiority.
The fantasy of male superiority is further undermined by the fact that, even though men are idealized by the NPD man, they lack quality relationships with other men, as they operate from a ‘false self’, are disempathic and view others – male or female – as supply. Narcissistic men see other men as mirrors, reflecting back an idealized self image, also known as narcissistic identification. As such, other men function as sources of self affirmation, rather than being valued as individuals. NPD men use other men as sources of validation, admiration and approval. The closer the similarity to other men, in terms of appearance, roles and aspirations, the higher the degree of idealization.²
Signs of the Homosocial Narcissistic Man:
- Either overtly or covertly, he tends to pedestalize traditional masculine activities, such as fraternities, men’s clubs, competitive sports, careers (from trades to politics, the law, military, academics/scholars, corporate leaders, rock stars, etc), hunting, womanizing, locker room talk, stag parties, etc.
- He may be dedicated to orthodox patriarchal religious practices, or cults, that privilege men, and assign them dominant, double standard positions over women, such as Incels / Red Pill Bros, Islamists, fundamentalist Christians, Hasidic Jews, etc.
- He has disinterest in or contempt for traditional ‘female’ traits, including empathy, gentleness, caring, nurturing behaviors. He abhors open displays of sadness or fear, as signs of ‘weakness’, but feels justified and empowered, displaying rage and lust.
- He might love bomb his female sexual target at first to gain her affection. This may include fake but enthusiastic interest in the woman’s life – her interests, goals, hopes, dreams, career, values, etc. He may go out of his way to sexually satisfy a woman at this stage, making her believe that he’s in love with her. To secure ongoing sexual access, he might make multiple relationship promises he does not keep, conning the woman into thinking he is committed to her.
- Once he has secured a woman’s love, the narcissistic man then gradually becomes more aloof and emotionally avoidant, confident that he has secured his supply. He tends to be emotionally distant or cold at home with his partner, yet expects sexual favors from her. He pretends to be the doting partner when in public, especially in front of other males. In truth, he is being a territorial braggart regarding his female prize. Behind the scenes, he acts burdened by his partner’s pleas for connection and real affection, dismissing her desire for closeness as ‘needy, demanding or suffocating’. He may also complain about his female partner behind her back to his male buddies.
- The narcissistic man usually contributes minimally to the management and upkeep of the household he shares with his female partner. The woman does the lion’s share of cooking, cleaning, child rearing, even if she works outside the home. He becomes defensive, complains, sulks or insults his partner if she asks him to rectify the disparity. Emotionally he is uninvested in his children, unless they show interest in what he likes. He throws – or withholds – money at domestic problems, then complains his partner doesn’t appreciate him, is a gold digger, etc.
- He spends a disproportionate amount of his spare time with his male buddies. He can appear to ‘light up’ if a man he admires comes into the room. He focuses on emulating and seeking ‘alpha male’ approval. Wives and partners may repeatedly witness the narcissistic man prioritize his male friends over them, including watching them transform into a friendly, invested and seemingly emotionally open man with his male cohorts. This makes women feel devalued, insignificant and unloved. Though very hurtful, what these women may not realize is that narcissistic male bonding is performative, entirely focused on the acquisition of narcissistic supply from other men, motivated only by the unhealthy one-upmanship side of homosocial bonding.
All Narcissistic people, whether male or female, make poor intimate partners. They lack the necessary interest in and empathy for others that is the prerequisite for healthy relationships. As such, they are incapable of forming loyal, invested pair bonds. Due to the normalization of patriarchal social structures, heterosexual male narcissists are uniquely harmful to their female partners, both rationalizing contempt for women, while simultaneously believing they have a right to access them sexually. Conversely, their disavowed addiction to the approval of other men, combined with compulsive narcissistic one-upmanship, underscores their inability to form healthy relationships with either sex. Their misogynist hypocrisy towards the women they feel entitled to and dependent on, combined with the actual relational emptiness of the boys club society they covet, are reflections of the deep seated self deception and emptiness of Narcissistic masculinity.
Notes
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Narcissistic Personality Organization (NPO) are related but distinct concepts in psychology. NPD is a diagnosed mental health disorder, whereas NPO is a broader psychoanalytic concept describing a particular structure of personality functioning. Primarily stemming from the work of Otto Kernberg, NPO describes a structural level of personality not only found in diagnosable NPD, but also in people who manifest pathological narcissistic patterns without meeting full diagnostic criteria.
- Eve Kosofsky Sedgewick, “Between Men: English Literature and Male Homosocial Desire (1985)
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