By Glynis Sherwood, MEd
Family Scapegoating, in essence, is bullying by people we should feel the most safe with – our kin. Scapegoating is possibly the most devastating of human experiences, as it is the pinnacle of betrayal and ostracization by our ‘tribe’. To be cast out by family, usually innocently, and often starting in childhood, creates an emotional and existential crisis in the victim that can feel insurmountable, as being an outcast – unloved and without a place of belonging – becomes the scapegoat’s core identity. Recovery from this psychological catastrophe requires a complete reconstruction of reality, especially overcoming the false belief – or schema – that scapegoats are the ‘problem’ they have been conditioned to believe. This false negative projection by abusive family members leads to internalized shame and guilt that, in my experience as a psychotherapist and coach, causes the most enduring psychological damage to the target.
Fortunately the past 10 to 15 years have been a renaissance of illumination regarding the source of scapegoat crimes against children – crimes that can negatively impact a lifetime. We now know that a significant portion of family scapegoat abuse is caused by psychologically disordered individuals, especially those of a narcissistic bent as per the Cluster B psychological disorders explained below. At the very least, scapegoating reflects a disturbing impairment of empathy.
Part of the ongoing problem for family scapegoats is the lack of social recognition of scapegoating as a form of domestic abuse. The nuclear family is pedestalized as a sacred cow by society, and unfortunately some psychotherapists, who invalidate survivors whose stories ‘threaten’ their beliefs. At the other end of the spectrum is the widespread misuse and abuse of the term ‘narcissist’, which has been appropriated and falsely applied to people who are ‘selfish’ or simply don’t do what others want them to do. Ironically, narcissists are most adept at accusing others of their own behavior.
In spite of these trends, survivors of systemic family abuse like scapegoating, now have a frame of reference by which to both understand, and detach, from their suffering. Though still short in number, more therapists have come to the fore, to assist survivors to heal and rebuild their lives. To effectively assist targets of family scapegoating and narcissistic trait abuse, therapists must be versed in personality disorders and other forms of cult programming, family system abuse, as well as complex trauma recovery.
‘Cluster B’ is a diagnostic category of personality disorders identified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders. The DSM was created by the American Psychiatric Association, and is used to diagnose mental illnesses in patients. Cluster B is a distinct category of 4 ‘dramatic, erratic’ disorders including Borderline (BPD), Narcissistic (NPD), Histrionic (HPD) and Antisocial (ASPD) personality disorders. 1
At their core, these four personality disorders share common, sometimes interchangeable, features such as emotional instability, impaired to absent emotional empathy, living in a fantasy narrative, and varying degrees of narcissistic traits, with grandiosity being the central feature.2
Unique amongst Cluster Bs, people with BPD and HPD do possess some empathy. Unfortunately, their empathy vanishes when they believe they are not getting what they want from another person, and they temporarily regress into a more antisocial self state. For the Borderline this includes imagined slights or being in the grip of abandonment or engulfment fears.
The Histrionc’s empathy shuts down when they are not being indulged as the center of attention. HPDs are highly theatrical and prone to childlike outbursts, demanding to be the center of attention, and will flit from one person to another until they secure ‘attention supply’.
At those times when their ‘needs’ have been frustrated, it has been hypothesized that Histrionics, and Borderlines, enter a temporary Psychopathic state, where they can behave aggressively. 3
People with full blown NPD appear to have little to no empathy, but ironically are dependent on others for ‘narcissistic supply’, including admiration, services, comfort, sex, etc. NPDs grandiosely resent this dependency on other people that they, with few exceptions, tend to look down on.
ASPDs possess zero empathy, and instead operate from a place of contempt towards other people, and have an entitled, predatory stance. ASPDs do not need narcissistic supply, and focus on exploiting others for personal gain.
Although all family scapegoat abuse is very harmful to a developing child, it is my contention that Cluster B abuse is the most damaging due to the mind controlling aspects of negative projection that infect and overwhelm the target psychologically. In essence, childhood victims of Cluster B abuse are ‘brainwashed’ by repeated blame and shame narratives that parental figures project onto the child. This is a form of grandiose displacement of defects in character and behavior that the parent casts onto the child, causing deep conscious and unconscious damage to the developing child’s sense of self.
Later in life, as childhood scapegoats grow into adulthood, they may be prone to choosing intimate partners who are similar to the parents who abused them. I call this ‘choosing the devil you know’. This happens for two main reasons: 1. All human beings tend to choose intimate partners that are similar to their parental figures, as parents represent the original relationship templates or blueprints that get encoded in the mind. This works well if we come from healthy families. ; 2. More deadly, ‘choosing the devil you know’ can be a direct result of aforementioned shame based indoctrination, that can lead to innocent survivors seeking vindication from their abusers’ sins. In other words, victims seek absolution for the sins of their abuser(s) that have been falsely projected onto and owned by said victims.
Core Damage From Family Scapegoating and Narcissistic Disorders Across the Spectrum
Survivors may suffer from multiple psychological injuries caused by disordered people in the following ways:
The Negative Impact of Being Used For:
1. ‘Supply’: Making the disordered person feel unique, special, superior or irresistible – Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
2. Emotional Regulation: Intense, unrealistic demands for emotional caretaking – Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
3. Exploitative Goals: Sex, $, Services, Status, Power – Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)
4. ‘Audiencing and Pedestalizing’ Attention: Insistence on being the center of attention – Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)
Cluster B’s are incapable of having mature adult relationships and are unable to give, or receive love, which is contingent on emotional empathy. Borderlines and Histrionics possess limited, intermittent empathy, but are still significantly impaired.
The Cumulative Toll Of:
- Trauma Bonding, combining abuse and love. Emotional dependency on a person you can’t rely on. Ongoing mistreatment and normalizing abuse: Treating you poorly, yet acting like nothing is wrong. Becoming critical and / or gaslighting (making you doubt reality) if you protest.
- Intermittent Reinforcement: Running hot and cold in a relationship – switching from close attentiveness to remote avoidance. For example, sexual smothering then cold or distant emotionally, or vice versa.
- Coercive Control: surveilling and limiting an intimate partner’s activities, friendships, family relationships, combined with punishment for not adhering to control.
- The adversarial/conflict-based relational attitude of Cluster Bs, caused by varying degrees of reality impairment, mistrust, entitlement and paranoia.
- Scapegoating – Designating a family member as a ‘Problem’, leading to stigma, punishment and ostracization.
- Love Bombing disguised as real love. Intense, ‘dark’ seduction strategies, causing an addictive dopamine hijack,
- Hypnotic brainwashing and deception, aka Gaslighting, making the target increasingly question reality and, therefore, their mental health.
- Manipulative Strategies, such as shaming and guilting, ‘test and apologize’, sexual coercion, domination, humiliation, betrayal, raging, rejection, abandonment, indifference, hatred, emotional blackmail, etc.
- Loss of Safety: emotional and/or physical.
Leading To:
- Rewounding, after surviving childhood abuse, intensifying the psychological injury
- Complex Trauma
- Social Withdrawal/Isolation
- Anxiety/Chronic Fear and/or Depression/Helplessness and Hopelessness
- Chronic Grief
- Disillusionment, cynicism, bitterness
- Disorientation, confusion, fear, sadness, grief, anger,
- Low self worth and loss of confidence, leading to impaired reality testing and/or dissociation (feeling checked out)
- Intensification of false shame narrative.
Healing Involves:
- Accepting that you cannot fix, repair, or love a personality disordered person into being a mentally whole healthy partner.
- Unpairing from the highly emotionally charged attachment to the disordered person, akin to a maternal bond, so that emotions – and attraction – become ‘neutralized’. Usually requires No Contact.
- Engaging in reality testing and critical thinking skills to see the abusive partner for who they are, vs an idealized, fantasy based (ie infantile) bond.
- Grieving the loss of the partner you thought you had and who, ultimately, betrayed your love, broke your trust and, possibly, shattered your view of intimate relationships.
- Overcoming the trauma of a manipulative, unstable or exploitative relationships
- Transcending any false blame, shame or guilt that your disordered partner may have engendered in you via projection and trauma bonding. These are symptoms of a mental disorder, not proofs of your inherent value as a human being.
- Caring for the the reinjured Wounded Child inside you who may have been reactivated by the secondary wounding inflicted by the disordered partner. Often requires standing up to the Inner Critic – the internalized voice of an abusive parent.
- Learning to recognize and resist Love Bombing as exploitive behavior, built on false promises designed to ensnare you. This will require discipline, as Love Bombing feels so good. It’s a massive dopamine high, that feels alot like falling in love, but has a nefarious agenda.
- Take it slow in future intimate relationships. Pay attention to behavior, not words. True love bonds are based on character, reciprocity, loyalty, commitment, feelings of emotional safety and friendship – traits that take time to reveal themselves. Look out for consistent action that aligns with promises.
- For more recovery strategies, See My Article “Healing from Narcissistic, Borderline or Antisocial Personality Disorder Abuse” , especially the section “Cluster B Partnerships Healing & Recovery”
Red Flag Questions to Free Yourself From Cluster B Traumatic Relationship Abuse
‘What do you actually love/like about this person who causes you pain?’
If you feel unclear or vague, rather than being able to identify positive character traits such as empathy, kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, etc. – this may be a red flag of unhealthy attachment.
If you are only able to identify that your partner makes you feel ‘high’, for example ‘I feel excited when we are together’, or ‘He’s charming/charismatic’, may be signs of codependency or relationship addiction. Feeling high, blissed out, excited, preoccupied with her/him, or worse, anxious when s/he’s not around, are all evidence of over-dependency, and the dopamine hijack that comes with love bombing and/or relationship dependency. Love addiction is also predicated on the feeling that one is not loveable, or life has no meaning, unless they have a partner. This is often a reflection of low self worth, aka false shame.
A good partner should possess positive character traits, such as respect, understanding, caring, emotional stability, etc. If you are unable to identify any healthy character traits in your partner, this may be a red flag that you are under the influence of a character disordered manipulator.
Is the relationship intense rather than close/intimate? Does your partner engage in hot then cold behavior?
Do you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride with your significant other? Meaning you either feel high or low. Are they warm one day, then distant or controlling the next? If so, you may be experiencing Intermittent Reinforcement, a form of emotional abuse.
Healthy, close relationships feel emotionally safe and calm, versus the insecurity and anxiety of Cluster B trauma bonds.
Do you feel pressured to comply with your partner’s wishes?
If you are experiencing what feels like ‘conditional’ love, based on obedience to your partner’s wishes, then you are being viewed instrumentally – as a means to an end, rather than as an individual with your own legitimate needs and desires. If your partner demands that her/his wants should always take precedence, and you are being accused of being a bad partner because you require mutual consideration, then you are being objectified and used. This type of behavior is a symptom of profound empathy deficits, and a large red flag.
Does your partner become defensive or angry if you have differences of opinion? Does your partner make you question reality?
Such behaviors are indicative of insecure, possessive and controlling behavior. Partners like this are often paranoid, and feel justified in stooping to gaslighting to control their significant other. This is an enormous red flag that such individuals are personality disordered.
Do you feel you are continuously being lured into rescuing behavior? Does your partner accuse you of being uncaring, betraying or even hateful if you don’t or can’t? Does your partner seem needy or child-like? Do they alternate between being clingy and emotionally remote.
At best, the constant need for reassurance and support is a sign of insecurity. At worst, this is a symptom of Borderline Personality organization behavior or disorder. Untreated people with BPD are usually completely dependent on others for emotional self regulation and outsource this task to partners, children, friends and parents, etc. When they believe they are not getting this ‘support’, they believe they are being abandoned, and will become distant, critical, dismissive, and possibly combative as they devalue the very people they depend on the most. A major red flag – run!
Do you feel you are being tested and found wanting? Does it seem like your partner wants you to chase her/him or keep re-earning their regard?
A partner who does not trust your loyalty, makes false accusations regarding fidelity, or engages in put downs or intermittent reinforcement is deeply unsure of themselves, and projecting their ‘inadequacy’ fears onto their partner. It may seem like your partner is testing you to see if you’ll stay loyal, or to see if you’ll leave. Regardless, these behaviors are indicators of a lack of empathy and paranoia, both Cluster B traits. If you confront your partner about their behavior and they double down, or can’t see that their fears are unfounded, then the relationship is not viable as the partner is not willing or able to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.
Does your partner seem entitled, arrogant or insensitive?
Multiple red flags here. All Cluster B disordered people have a narcissistic core to varying degrees, reflecting both grandiosity and a lack of empathy. Even if they just possess ‘traits’, and don’t meet the criteria for a personality disorder, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to be with, as you will always come second, and things will likely get worse.
Do you feel you are being used for sex, money, status, impression management? Was your partner initially charming and attentive only to become cold once they secured these resources from you?
Goal oriented partners who exploit you repeatedly without remorse may have AntiSocial personality disorder. AntiSocials use others to obtain material goods, and gain reputations and social influence so they can target more victims. They are ruthless individuals who possess zero empathy. They are the Komodo dragons of Cluster B – run!
Are you afraid of your partner?
If your partner makes you feel unsafe, whether through psychological manipulation, verbal or emotional abuse, physical threats or violence, you are in dangerous territory. At best you are dealing with someone who is emotionally dysregulated, engages in negative projection (blame shifting), lacks empathy, and the insight or accountability to do anything about it. A complete deal breaker.
Re-Evaluate
If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of the questions above, your partner may have Narcissistic personality organization (i.e. Cluster B Traits).
If you answered ‘Yes’ to several or most of these questions, then your partner may have Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic or AntiSocial Personality disorder.
Cluster B personality disordered folks have narcissistic cores and, with the exception of Borderline Personality Disorder, are devoid of empathy. Empathy is the ‘glue’ that builds and holds positive, loving relationships together. A major hallmark of Cluster B people, with the exception of Borderlines, is that they are largely untreatable, and immune to insight, accountability or learning from their mistakes. They dwell in a developmentally regressed, infantile world of entitled neediness. As such, Cluster B folks are incapable of being suitable, mature intimate partners, and should be avoided at all costs.
Photo: Marek Studzinsk, Unsplash
Notes
1. The 10 Personality Disorders:
Cluster A: Odd, eccentric
Paranoid Personality Disorder: pervasive pattern of distrust and hostility
Schizoid Personality Disorder: a tendency to be unresponsive to social dimensions, a loner
Schizotypal Personality Disorder: odd thinking, magical beliefs
Cluster B: Erratic, dramatic
Antisocial Personality Disorder: criminality, irresponsibility, and impulsivity
Borderline Personality Disorder: fear of abandonment, relationship difficulties
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: grandiose sense of self-importance, arrogance, sense of entitlement
Histrionic Personality Disorder: attention seeking and provocative
Cluster C: Anxious, fearful
Avoidant Personality Disorder: not engaging in social situations out of fear of humiliation and rejection
Dependent Personality Disorder: over relying on somebody for support
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder: perfectionism, rigid adherence to rules
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
2. Cognitive empathy is the ability to intellectually understand another person’s mental state, referred to as ‘perspective-taking’ or ‘theory of mind’. Emotional empathy is an emotional reaction to the affective state of another person, and involves activation of feeling and sharing in another person’s emotions. To summarize, cognitive empathy refers to knowing what someone else feels, whereas emotional empathy is about feeling their emotions.
3. Hinge et al. (2023): This clinical study reported significant overlap among Cluster B personality disorders, including BPD, HPD, and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD, which is closely related to psychopathy). HPD was highly correlated with both BPD and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and many patients met criteria for multiple Cluster B disorders simultaneously.
Need help healing from scapegoating, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or antisocial personality disorder abuse? Check out my Family Scapegoat Counseling & Coaching page
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Glynis Sherwood – MEd Counseling Psychology, specializes in recovery from Family Scapegoating, Narcissistic and Cluster B Abuse, False Shame and Guilt, Traumatic Stress, Estrangement Grief and Relationship Challenges.