by Glynis Sherwood MEd, Psychotherapist & Coach
Article At A Glance:
- Manipulators are individuals who use covert tactics to control or exploit others for selfish purposes, often without the target’s awareness. Survivors of childhood abuse, particularly those who experienced narcissistic parenting or scapegoating, may be more vulnerable to manipulation due to normalized dysfunctional behaviors and low self-esteem.
- Manipulators often display traits of Empathy Impairment or Cluster B personality disorders (narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, histrionic), each employing different strategies to manipulate. Common tactics include gaslighting, guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, and criticism.
- Abuse survivors may struggle with trauma bonds, codependency, and false hope that manipulators will change, making them more susceptible. To protect oneself, it’s important to trust instincts, set boundaries, and avoid emotional involvement with manipulators.
Manipulators are people who aren’t on the level when it comes to their intentions towards others. They use indirect, covert and psychological deception tactics to exploit or control people for selfish gain, often without the target’s awareness, and certainly without their permission. In this respect, they can be deviously convincing imposters, and masters of the art of impression management.
Many people can be taken in by manipulators, but childhood abuse survivors may be particularly at risk to these influences. Due to experiencing similar dynamics in their childhood homes – such as narcissistic parenting or scapegoating, survivors may be programmed to normalize or accommodate manipulative behaviors, and / or struggle with self doubt and confidence, that undermines assertiveness. This makes childhood relationship abuse survivors more vulnerable to being exploited in adulthood by manipulators.
All manipulators tend to use calculated psychological tactics to gradually gain the trust of their target, ultimately aiming to exploit, abuse or control them. Manipulation takes forethought – even a few moments – so they know what they are doing. The differences between different kinds of manipulators is based on motivation, intent, desired outcomes and mental health status. Understanding these different types of manipulators, and their tactics, can help individuals recognize manipulative behaviors in relationships, and protect themselves from emotional harm.
Psychological Profiles of Manipulators
‘Empathy Impaired’ is a term I coined to describe individuals who do not meet the criteria for a mental health – such as a personality disorder diagnosis – but still engage in selfish, insensitive and entitled behavior on a sub-clinical level. They tend to be immature adults who objectify others outside of their peer / reference group due to socialization, cultural or religious indoctrination and rationalization, and a lack of critical thinking skills. For example: Fundamentalist religious groups who tend to view women as ‘naturally’ subservient to men. May also include people with Dark Triad / Dark Tetrad feature or even Complex Trauma.
In addition to the Empathy Impaired, habitual manipulators may possess traits of, or full blown Cluster B Personality Disorders including:
- Narcissistic (NPD)
- AntiSocial (ASPD)
- Borderline (BPD)
- Histrionic (HPD)
People with Cluster B personality disorders rationalize manipulation via rigid internal traits of entitlement, grandiosity, and a lack of empathy. These disordered traits are seen as ‘facts’ to be catered to. As such, Cluster Bs have a self gratification focus, such as love, attention, admiration, security, power, money, status, sexual conquest, etc.
For Cluster B folks, the value of any relationship is contingent on the non-reciprocal devotion and sacrifice by others to their well being, and they will employ an arsenal of manipulative strategies to gain access to this narcissistic ‘supply’. Furthermore, once secured, any threats to this supply, whether real or imagined, may be met with manipulation tactics by the Cluster B perpetrator.
Personality Disordered individuals all engage in manipulative interpersonal strategies, but for different reasons:
- Narcissists: To secure supply from others; ie attention, sex, admiration, emotional support, a safe home environment, etc. NPDs tend to not see their behavior as manipulative, but as helping them to get what they ‘deserve’, reflecting underlying grandiosity and entitlement. The foundation for this attitude and behavior is a self serving absence of empathy. Covert narcissists are particularly prone to manipulation strategies, whereas Overts tend to be more direct in their self serving demands of others.
- AntiSocials: To achieve exploitative goals, such as money, sex, power, status, position, property, influence, etc. ASPDs know they are being manipulative, and feel entitled to be this way, due to deep feelings of superiority and contempt towards others whom they blame for their victimizing behavior. AntiSocial types possess zero empathy, and view others as objects to be used and discarded once they are no longer ‘useful’. ASPDs see the world as ‘dog eat dog’, and therefore normalize their ruthless behavior.
- Borderlines: To entice others to ‘manage’ or ‘caretake’ their emotions, which they feel ill equipped to regulate. Like narcissists and antisocials, BPDs also use intermittent reinforcement (running hot or cold) to manage splitting between abandonment vs engulfment anxiety with others. For BPDs, manipulation is more of a by-product of emotional distress, rather than an exploitative tactic. Borderlines possess more empathy towards others, unless they become emotionally dysregulated, which is frequent.
- Histrionics: To influence others to baby them, or make them the center of attention. HPDS see themselves as a prince or princess, entitled to being taken care of by others. They act dramatically in an attempt to make themselves the center of attention. Grandiosity, entitlement and low empathy fuel their demanding behavior.
Types of Manipulators and Their Tactics:
- Serial Exploiters – Engage in deliberately taking advantage of others, look for opportunities and feel entitled to do so, due to extreme entitlement and grandiosity. These are the most dangerous manipulators, and tend to be on the anti-social spectrum. These people are control oriented predators, and must be avoided at all cost.
- Premeditated – Includes the Serial Exploiter category. These people tend to be factor 1 Psychopaths or Dark Triad/Tetrad personalities. They plan ahead, like ‘hunters’, who enjoy the thrill of ensnaring and exploiting their prey – other humans – with glee and superiority, dehumanizing their targets, whom they punish or exploit contemptuously. The goal is conquest and domination. Very dangerous.
- Opportunists / Spur of the Moment – Take advantage of people when opportunities arise. They are not premeditated like Serial Exploiters, who are predators, but are severely empathy impaired regarding the rights and needs of others. They tend to be impulsive and thoughtless regarding the negative outcomes of their behavior.Impulsive exploitation is the name of their game. Due to entitlement and grandiosity, they will rationalize and minimize taking advantage of others, as this is what they deserve: to be in control, catered to and, ideally, worshipped. Their weakness is ignoring the consequences of their actions, which can blow up in their face. This category includes factor 2 Psychopaths (impulsive, reactive anger and/or violence), emotionally dysregulated Borderlines, Narcissists, and other ‘Dark’ personalities
- Accidental – This defensive manipulator is not calculating, but entitled. They feel it is their right to exploit others on the fly, as they didn’t plan to hurt any one, but have a right to help themselves to the spoils of ‘happy accidents’. For example, having sex with their friend’s intimate partner who comes onto them while drunk. They lack conscience or forethought regarding consequences. Highly narcissistic and other ‘Dark’ personalities.
Common Manipulation Strategies
Manipulation manifests in a variety of ways, employing psychological tactics to influence or control others. Here are the primary types of methods that manipulators employ:
Gaslighting: This is predominantly an Antisocial strategy, as Narcissists and Borderlines believe the fantasies they are trying to lure others into. It assumes an imbalance of power. The gaslighter presents as ‘mentally authoritative’, with the ability to define reality. A covert aggressive tactic, gaslighting involves premeditated scheming and cunning. Gaslighting is designed to deceive the target via distorting and denying facts, memories, events etc, so the target loses their sense of reality. For example, the gaslighter denies their negative behaviors, and then claims that the target’s memory seems to be impaired.
Gaslighters are able to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. (Not NPDs, HPDs or BPDs who are delusional, due to living in a fantasy world). The gaslighter usually starts small, instilling doubt regarding facts, and then ratchets up to break the target’s grasp of reality. Once the target is undermined this way, the gaslighter is in control.
Charm Offensives: Charming manipulators employ exploitative behavior, such as seduction, to steal what they lack character – and empathy – to earn honestly. These heart thieves are opportunists, and attune manipulation to the target’s unmet emotional needs. For example, showering a lonely person with attention.
Two types occupy this space, the Love Bomber and the Flatterer. The Love Bomber plys their target with exaggerated affection, attention, and gifts to create an intense emotional connection. This tactic is often used to build emotional dependency and trust quickly, only to later manipulate the victim. The Flatterer is a close cousin of the Love Bomber. Using excessive compliments and charm, this manipulator seeks to lower the guard of their target, making them more susceptible to their influence.
These approaches are the terrain of all Cluster Bs, but for widely divergent purposes. For AntiSocials, it’s a deliberate con job. However, Narcissists, Borderlines and Histrionics, who live in fantasy, initially idealize their person of interest, and believe it’s the truth. Narcissists seek supply, Histrionics seek babying and a pedestal, and Borderlines seek an emotional care giver.
Future Fakers: They make big promises about future events or plans that they then abandon or have no intention of fulfilling, using false hopes to keep the victim engaged in the relationship. Narcissists believe that the future fantasy they are selling is real at the time, only to ‘forget about it’ or deny it later when they fall out of love – i.e. infatuation – with their target. Antisocials, however, will deliberately offer false promises as a manipulation strategy.
Guilt Trippers: They weaponize false guilt, making others feel responsible for their emotional state or circumstances. This can include statements like “If you really cared about me, you would be/do…” to coerce compliance. Guilt is used to induce a sense of moral failure and obligation in targets and, therefore, to make them feel responsible to fix the problem the guilt tripper has fabricated or created. Antisocials, Narcissists and Histrionics employ this approach. Borderlines may engage in this behavior, but more from a sense of emotional emptiness and anxiety, not the desire to exploit others.
Silent Treatment: A form of guilt tripping. By stonewalling as a form of punishment for counterfeit slights, this manipulator forces the victim to seek reconciliation on the manipulator’s terms, effectively employing false guilt to control the dynamics of the relationship.
Gotchas: Are verbal put downs designed to trick an individual and expose them to ridicule. Gotchas employ false guilt to insinuate that the target has been caught in the act of being dishonest, immoral, lying etc. It’s a twisted attempt to embarrass, expose, or disgrace someone to compel them to yield to the manipulator’s agenda.
Criticism & Contempt: Once the love bombing is over, the manipulator may seek to destabilize and control the target further through creeping criticism, culminating in contempt. Criticism may start subtly. For example, ‘I like you better in that other dress…”, making you feel unsure of your attractiveness. It can then proceed to routine fault finding and, eventually to put downs and contempt. The end goal is to undermine the self confidence of the target by inducing self doubt and insecurity, and making them worry about their relationship with the manipulator.
Projection & Playing the Victim: This is the psychological term for ‘blame shifting’, aka accusing others of one’s own faults. All Cluster B folks project to some extent, due to grandiosity, which both interferes with their ability to gain insight or take responsibility for their actions, and protects them from the ego blow that accountability would inflict. By portraying themselves as a victim of circumstances or other people’s actions, they elicit sympathy and avoid responsibility for their behavior. Cluster Bs use projection to rationalize and justify their false accusations and victim status. They label their victims negatively, undermining their self-esteem and convincing them that they are unworthy of better treatment.
Projection may be the main defense mechanism of Cluster B’s, especially narcissists, antisocials and histrionics. They appear to genuinely believe that their bad behavior or attitude is the fault of others, and play the victim, due to the misplaced superiority bias of grandiosity. Borderline project under emotional duress, but less, due to greater empathy and self doubt. Regardless, projection can undermine the victim’s confidence and sense of agency.
Lying, Denial and Rationalizing: Distorting the truth either by outright lies or by withholding critical information. Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing or responsibility. Justifying inappropriate behavior and attitudes with excuses, minimization, denial and blame shifting. All Cluster B’s defend themselves through lying, denial and rationalizing, due to grandiosity and entitlement.
AntiSocials know they are distorting or denying the truth, but feel entitled to use whatever means, no matter how devious or immoral, to achieve their goals. As Narcissists, Borderlines and Histrionics live in a fantasy world, which is in essence a lie, they deny reality in the service of their fantasy. In this sense, they are much more delusional than AntiSocials.
Infantilizing: With the exception of female Borderlines, Cluster B’s feel superior to others, and have an inflated sense of self that’s not reflected in reality. As such, they tend to infantilize their targets, viewing them as less intelligent, capable, knowledgeable, sophisticated or worthy than themselves. This attitude of false superiority is at the center of all entitled behavior. Male BPDs are particularly prone to employ this tactic, as they see themselves as rescuers of their ‘less capable’ friends, family or lovers.
Threats and Violence: When Cluster B’s don’t get their way with others, no matter how unreasonable, they tend to feel enraged. Their entitled attitude may cause them to threaten, blackmail, punish or retaliate aggressively towards targets who have ‘frustrated’ their sense of entitlement, or neediness in the case of Borderlines. They may imply that dire consequences will follow if their demands are not met, leveraging fear to manipulate compliance.
AntiSocials and Narcissists can be particularly venomous in this regard. But emotionally dysregulated Borderlines may also temporarily go into a factor 2 psychopathic state where they lash out at others whom they believe are either abandoning them or trying to engulf them.
Shaming: Using humiliation as a tool, this tactic may be employed to control behavior, such as compliance and subservience in their targets. All Cluster Bs, with the exception of AntiSocials, have deep seated feelings of inferiority that they ward off by accusing others – via projection – of their own weaknesses and deficits.
Triangulation: Manipulators may involve a third party in conflicts to create division and confusion, thereby ensuring that they maintain control over the narrative and the outcome of disputes.
In the case of Narcissists, AntiSocials, and Borderlines who believe they have been wronged, triangulation may be employed to harm a person’s reputation via lie based smear campaigns. Henchmen, aka ‘Flying Monkeys’ may be engaged to bully, harass, discredit or keep the target off balance emotionally.
Shifting the Goalposts: Changing expectations mid-way through a situation, or after the fact, to keep others off-balance. This tactic can be part of a Gaslighting offensive by AntiSocials, or a symtom of stress related amnesia or dissociation in Narcissists, Histrionics or Borderlines.
Family Scapegoat, Narcissistic and AntiSocial Personality Disorder Abuse Survivors Vulnerability to Manipulators:
- Trauma Bonds – where love and abuse are entwined – are the norm in the family of origin (FOO), and may still be for the abuse survivor. So manipulation tactics may feel normal, and can be rationalized as part of any relationship dynamic, through abusive attachment bonds.
- Being stuck in a cycle of abuse. Love bombing followed by creeping Gaslighting, making the target wonder what’s real, and if they are at fault – just like their family of origin made them doubt themselves, and feel ashamed. Submission may have been a survival tactic, cemented by false shame and a sense of over responsibility.
- Confidence and self trust, beaten down over time, after the false seduction of love bombing. Verbal and emotional abuse. EG “You’re an idiot”; “No one else will want you…”, seals the deal. This type of abuse is the specialty of narcissists, who then apologize and say they’ll never do it again, will get help, etc. Targets may hold on to false hope, just like in their FOO dynamic, when they were shown any crumbs of kindness.
- Childhood Emotional Deprivation – Emotional ‘hunger’ and longing for connection are the psychological leftovers from this lack of support and care. Love bombing may appeal to the target through flattering but false words of admiration and devotion they never heard but longed for.
- Settling for the ‘certainty’ of the Devil You Know. In other words, high intensity but hurtful relationships that make the target feel ‘alive’, as they confuse anxiety for excitement. This may also reflect a shame based lack of confidence regarding the ability to attract a healthier – ie higher value – mate.
- Fear / terror of being alone. Usually indicating that the Wounded (inner) Child has been reactivated. IE unmet childhood needs for nurture, safety, attention can lead to chronic insecurity, motivating clinging behavior to anyone who seems to show positive regard, no matter how manipulative or insincere.
- False hope remnants / biases / myths regarding the ‘fundamental goodness’ of others. Giving someone ‘the benefit of the doubt’ multiple times / when they showed their true colors long ago. Seems anchored to the desperate belief that others have to be more reliable than the FOO, or the target feels doomed.
- Codependency / Relationship Addiction – Targets raised to be caretakers, ‘managers’ and people pleasers to obtain some fleeting validation, sense of self worth, feeling superior and /or to avoid punishment or scapegoating. Attempting to fill in for or fix others, or to believe they are loveable.
- ‘Brainwashed’ by decades of projection – ie blame shifting and demonization. Targets may carry false shame, and believe that lesser people know better than they do. They then look to their abusers to vindicate the shame they inflicted. Victims may be completely captured by this belief if the abuse started in early childhood, which is often the case.
- Triggered into Freeze threat response, a dissociative state that significantly reduces awareness regarding needs, safety and the ability to think on one’s feet or stand up for oneself.
Dealing Effectively with Manipulators
- Trust your gut, and their behavior, before you trust their words.
- View any signs of smugness, false pride, overconfidence, arrogance, entitlement or superiority regarding manipulation of yourself or others, as potential symptoms of Cluster B Personality Disorders.
- Understand that manipulation, no matter how flattering, is not love. Love is the ability to invest in the psychological well being of another, and have that motivation be reflected in long term caring behavior, such as kindness, honesty, respect and commitment.
- Control your reactions. Where at all possible, do not become visibly upset. Do not reveal your vulnerable feelings. Avoid arguments with manipulators, as they will be used against you.
- Turn the tables on manipulators by asking probing questions, to see if they have any insight regarding their exploitative behavior. For example, “Does what you are asking me for sound fair?”; “What’s in it for me?”; “Are you really asking me to [for example, have sex on our first date]?”; “Do I get a vote?”, etc.If they manipulator has a conscience, they will likely back down. If they double down, they are likely of the Cluster B ilk. In this case, you can buy time by saying “I’ll think about it”. If you don’t feel safe, then leave the situation.
- If you feel safe, then set a firmer boundary by saying “No”. Tell the manipulator you see what they are doing, and unless it stops, the interaction, and possibly the relationship, will end. Call them out on their heavy handed attempts to control you. Do this early and set a boundary, with consequences – two strikes, then they are out.Narcissists generally will not accept healthy limit setting, as it violates their grandiosity. Borderlines however, are more amenable to limit setting than narcissists, as they are capable of comprehending the negative consequences of boundary violations. Regardless, do not continue to give boundary violators the benefit of the doubt. They are testing your boundaries to see how easy it is to break them.
Warning: If you suspect the manipulator is antisocial or narcissistic, do not confront them. Find the nearest ‘exit’ and don’t go back. - Stop talking to people who are not listening to you. Observe their behavior – this will tell you what they are up to, and who they are.
- Walk away. Literally back up and away.
Keep sexual manipulators – people who employ seductive ‘charm offensives’ – out of your home. Don’t be alone with them.
Photo by Kenneth Surillo
NOTES
- Dark Tetrad, Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dark-tetrad
November 2023 - Dark Triad, Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dark-triad
June 2019 - An Analysis of Interpersonal Manipulation
https://doi.org/10.1093/jmp/17.2.173
Michael Kligman, M.D., Charles M. Culver, M.D., Ph.D.
The Journal of Medicine and Philosophy: A Forum for Bioethics and Philosophy of Medicine, Volume 17, Issue 2, April 1992 - The Manipulator: A Psychoanalytic View
https://archive.org/details/manipulatorpsych0000burs/page/n7/mode/2up
Ben Bursten, M.D.
New Haven: Yale University Press, 1973 - How to Spot and Stop Manipulators
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
Preston Ni, M.S.B.A.
Psychology Today
June 2014 - Covert Tactics Manipulators Use to Control and Confuse You
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201907/covert-tactics-manipulators-use-control-and-confuse-you
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Psychology Today
July 2019 - Twenty Five Psychological Manipulation Techniques
https://psychologyorg.com/25-psychological-manipulation-techniques/
Waqar Hasan
Psychology Org
July 2023
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