Life After Family Scapegoating – Healing From Trauma Bonds & Intermittent Reinforcement

By Glynis Sherwood, MEd, Psychotherapist & Therapeutic Coach

People who grew up in abusive, emotionally negligent families are vulnerable to falling into similar relationship dynamics in adulthood.  This can happen with friends as well as intimate partners.  This phenomena is known as traumatic reenactment – what I call ‘choosing the devil you know’, or what Freud called “repetition compulsion”.  

Relationally, we are primed from early childhood to be drawn to others who feel ‘familiar’ psychologically, for better or for worse.  Our emotional brains equate the ‘familiar’ with what is ‘correct’.  In healthy family systems, familiar people are safe bets.  However, in narcissistically abusive families, people are conditioned to choose the ‘devil they know’, at their peril.  Frequently, there can be a high emotional charge / intensity with the ‘devil you know’ that feels exciting and, therefore, compelling.  This high charge can fool abused people into believing they are in the right place, when in fact they are in danger, as it feels so intoxicating.  There is often a feeling of deja vu, where the emotionally intoxicated person feels and may even declare ‘I feel like I’ve known you all my life’, which cements the attraction.

Repetition compulsion for childhood abuse survivors is both a blessing and a curse.  It’s a blessing in that survivors are motivated by an unconscious attempt to repair their childhood traumatic parenting relationship dynamic.  Sadly, in spite of this positive unconscious intent, this leads to retraumatization if the friend or partner is narcissistically inclined and reinjures the victim in a similar fashion.  

The drive towards parental relationship repair can be strong, as it’s tied to our sense of survival. Without parental support i.e. strong kinship bonds, children are thrown into ‘annihilation anxiety’, where their very existence feels threatened.  Greased by the false hope of a better outcome, traumatic reenactment with troubled people only succeeds in reopening the original wound, causing the further harm of ‘secondary wounding’.

How the Target Gets Hooked

So it seems that traumatic relationship repair efforts are unconscious attempts to heal the original broken parental bond in a healthier, more enduring way.  However, without conscious awareness of family conditioning that predisposes the emotional mind to repeat what it knows, targets can fall into old familiar traps that harm rather than heal, such as:

Trauma Bonding occurs when love and abuse become fused in childhood, due to dysfunctional family interactions that often oscillate between bouts of victimization followed by relative calm, and even demonstrations of caring.  Abused children are conditioned to normalize mistreatment alongside love as part of the ‘love package’.

Victims of trauma bonding associate intense positive – and negative – feelings with love, which creates very strong contradictory connections they can be drawn to throughout the trajectory of their lives. 

In adulthood, narcissistically and sociopathically abused people may continue to gravitate towards disordered individuals with similar dysfunctional family history, who feel familiar and, therefore, right for them.  This reciprocal reinforcement sets the stage for hypnotic-like infatuation and manipulation of the victim by narcissistic characters, akin to brain washing.  Both the narcissist and their partner / victim engage in idealizing each other, which creates an intense, temporary bond, destined to be broken by the narcissist who eventually discards their partner in an attempt to complete the separation/individuation phase that was denied them by the mother/parent. Trauma bonding is, therefore, a symbiotic dissociative state that becomes cemented by Intermittent Reinforcement.

Intermittent Reinforcement & Projection.  Intermittent Reinforcement is an abusive interpersonal dynamic, often employed by narcissistic parents.  Emotionally, the parent runs hot and cold. One day – or moment – they are caring and accessible, the next they are cold or hostile, creating an insecure and frightening world for their child. 

Negative reinforcement can be facilitated by Projection, which is a defense mechanism of unconscious denial, whereby harmful attitudes or behaviors are attributed to another, in this case the child of a narcissistic or antisocial parent(s).  This is a reflexive ploy used by disordered characters to demoralize their targets, who become confused by these usually baseless accusations and vulnerable to carrying false shame and guilt, especially when the abuse starts in childhood.

Accordingly, the critical parent projects – ie attributes – their own malevolent feelings and shortcomings to their child.  The child may respond to this threat by making desperate unsuccessful attempts to secure consistent affection from the withdrawn or hostile rejecting parent, leading the child to conclude that the problem rests with their ‘deficient’ selves.  In essence, the wounded child comes to ‘own’ the parental projection, through a process called introjection, which leads to the development of a harsh Inner Critic.  This is the origin story of false shame and blame, and ‘annihilation anxiety’ so prevalent amongst family scapegoats who have been narcissistically abused.

Later in life targets may be vulnerable to further exploitation by narcissistic individuals via love and sex bombing, followed by devaluation behavior and culminating in being discarded by intimate partners or friends, keeping the original abuse-love cycle going 1. Cognitive dissonance and abandonment fears hook the victim, leading to anxious pursuit of their narcissistic ‘friend’ or defeated withdrawal, a kind of reverse mirroring of intermittent reinforcement. 

Intermittent reinforcement destabilizes the target through the reactivation of insecure attachment fears from early childhood.  These fears trap the target in the erroneous belief that they are the problem and, therefore, that the solution lies in their ability to render themselves ‘loveable’ so as to attain the approval they so desperately seek.  As this is an impossible task built on the premise of false guilt, targets are prone to experiencing abandonment depression and anxiety.

Gaslighting & Dissociation.  Gaslighting is manipulative behavior focused on dismantling the reality of a target’s experience.  Accordingly, abusers strategically cause the target to question their memories, thoughts, feelings and judgements, leading to disorientation and confusion.  Gaslighters are motivated to dominate, and use this tactic to control their target.  In essence, the gaslighter is trying to wear down the target’s reality testing faculties, intuition and feelings, in order to exploit and overpower the target, who may succumb to emotional destabilization caused by declining self confidence engendered by gaslighting.  

Note:  As gaslighting is premeditated, it is more the purview of antisocial types (AntiSocial Personality Disorder, Psychopaths) than Narcissists who are more punitively reactive to ‘slights’ – real or imagined.  This is an important distinction, as many people confuse antisocial with narcissistic attitudes and behaviors.

Repeatedly gaslit targets can lose their internal locus of control and become dissociated, due to having their reality testing faculties hijacked by the abuser.  Psychological dissociation can range from mild detachment from sensory experience, thoughts, feelings or sense of self, to more severe disconnection with reality and memory loss.  This leads to a loss of agency and dependency on unreliable people who are essentially predators.  Cult programming works in similar ways, and in this respect, character disordered family systems operate a lot like cults.

Emotional and/or Sexual Relationship Intensity.  In trauma bonded relationships,  high intensity dynamics tend to be common, and mistaken for true love.  On a gut level, the relationship may feel too good, too fast.  But the target may ignore their intuition in favor of the addictive romantic high of the moment.  These dynamics are facilitated by love bombing aka charm offensives, by manipulative individuals who use hypnotic-like strategies to control others.

Although chemistry is important in any close relationship, high chemistry can be a sign of anxiety and lack of safety emotionally – ie Triggering.  Survivors may need to learn to recognize the difference between anxiety and legitimate attraction/excitement.

Cleaving to the False Hope Fantasy of Becoming the Beloved Child.  This can be one of the hardest ‘spells’ to break, as the wounded child believed that their emotional and physical survival depended on the ability to make themselves loveable to the abusive parent(s).  Children who identify with the narcissistic parent’s false projection that they are the problem live in a constant state of abandonment anxiety and depression. 

This unconscious distress can carry over to adult relationships, where one’s self-worth is dependent on how valued they feel by their relationship partner.  This dynamic is also known as Relationship addiction, and has both an unconscious, emotional and biological basis, rendering it difficult to untangle from.

Healing From Trauma Bonds

Recovery from traumatic relationship bonding requires deliberate, ongoing efforts to break through long established conscious and unconscious negative programming.  When this conditioning begins in early childhood, it can be challenging to overcome, though certainly not impossible. 

New, healthy psychological associations must be forged through repeated exposure to more positive and realistic beliefs and experiences about the self and relationships that will initially feel unfamiliar and, therefore, unnatural, though certainly not wrong.   To minimize or avoid backsliding into old dysfunctional but familiar relationship dynamics, survivors must take conscious charge by stepping away from toxic relationships and forging new healthy bonds with the self and others in the following ways:

Developing a Sense of Agency and Self Responsibility

Survivors need to recognize that they have unwittingly played an unconscious role in repeating childhood trauma bonding dynamics that they weren’t responsible for creating.  Although support is important, ultimately, survivors are the only people who can rescue themselves from this predicament.  But there is definitely a path forward.

Creating agency – IE ‘I can do it’ confidence – will take time, practice and the ability to process childhood abandonment grief, stand up to the Inner Critic, get comfortable  becoming one’s true self, learning to forge healthier relationships and the ability to detach from harmful relationships with family, friends or romantic partners.  Coaching and/or psychotherapy may be critical during this more vulnerable transition time. 

Overcoming Undermining Beliefs, Triggers & Mood Swings

This is the long haul recovery work that will likely feel the most demanding at the beginning, as survivors start to overcome a lifetime of false negative beliefs about themselves, and reclaim the true narrative of who they really are. 

Recovery usually requires relinquishing any remnants of the fantasy that one is responsible for making narcissistic or anti-social family members happy, and rejecting the notion that, by inference, they are the unlovable, shameful source of the problem.  In essence, survivors must deprogram themselves.  This will likely involve repetitive cycles of challenging the Inner Scapegoat/Critic with rational truth and intuitive wisdom – ie that you as target are not defective, shameful or unworthy of love.  Fortunately, there will likely be little to no hard evidence of that. 

Survivors must adapt to the truth that, not only are they most likely decent people, but also people who weren’t loved by their family in spite of their good character.  This is a harsh reality that challenges any notion of a just or fair world.  It can also take a great amount of psychological energy for the target to overcome the fantasy that they can finally be loved by people who, in fact, lack any capacity to be loving.  While this hard truth is being faced, many survivors experience abandonment grief, longing and loneliness that can feel hard to manage.

Survivors almost always have to learn how to control being triggered into false negative views of themselves and others.  Survivors may also have to learn to deal with their own projections – aka blame shifting – and take responsibility for managing triggers, as they learn that feelings aren’t always facts.  Victims will likely discover that they are in a dissociated, regressed childlike state when triggered.  Childhood abuse survivors often find themselves in a Freeze/Shock threat response when triggered, which requires soothing and grounding to overcome.  It will take combined efforts of stamina, self discipline, reality testing, nurturing the Wounded Child within and support from people who ‘get it’ to heal.

Recovery may also require finding healthy ways to meet very legitimate unfulfilled needs for love and acceptance outside of the toxic family system.  It can be extremely important to develop self compassion under these circumstances.  This may be difficult to muster initially for targets who are in the grip of false shame.  Rehearsal – aka acting as if – while gathering internal and external resources – has been shown to be helpful. 

Reparenting the Wounded Child Within

All human beings possess psychological remnants of their child self, as it is early childhood where ones sense of self is formed.  In this way, the self is ‘continuous’, and not demarcated by periods of life that are walled off from each other.   The sense of self that is formed in childhood – usually by age 5 or 6 – tends to be carried into adulthood unconsciously, as if the self is just a ‘fact’ or the way it should be.  This works well if people are raised in healthy, loving families, as their experience of being loved enables them to value themselves without question.

However, people who are raised in character disordered family systems usually have a distorted negative view of themselves, inculcated by blame shifting and inappropriate punishment by troubled parental figures.  Frequently, the result is negative mirroring is the development of a false shame and guilt based identity, which robs the target of peace of mind and a sense of control over their lives.   It can be critical therefore, for survivors to develop an understanding of the depths of their psychic wounding and unmet childhood hunger for love, and the extent to which those unmet needs are still controlling them.

Cultivating empathy for the Wounded Child within by becoming a ‘Supportive Witness’ to the self is critical to healing, particularly if there was a abscence of supportive adult role models.  Attending sympathetically to negative emotional reactivity – panic, shame, loneliness, grief – that can occur when the Wounded Child is activated is important, while at the same time working towards greater adult emotional self management,  responsibility and autonomy.  This will require support from the Wise Adult within.  By meeting the Wounded Child empathically, the Wise Adult helps to build a sense of  being valued and valuable that is fundamental to feelings of self worth and personal effectiveness.  The good news is that most adult survivors already embody many qualities of the Wise Adult – it’s the stronger person they’ve become in spite of adversity, who can support the Wounded Child within. 

Time & Rehearsal.  Survivors weren’t born traumatically bonded to significant others.  This is a learned insecure attachment adaptation.  It will take time, and repetition of new behavior and reality based beliefs, while cultivating trust in one’s intuition and emotions, to create healthy connections with the self and others.  Patience is required as it can be challenging when the Wounded Child is reactivated, though progressively easier as the Wise Adult gains momentum, leading to glimmers of hope, resilience, peace and objectivity 

Clarifying Values & Boundaries

Recovery from the trauma of childhood abuse and scapegoating involves a re-evaluation of the foundations the survivor’s life is built on, including values and limits.

First Principles include understanding that:

Empathy for the self is the foundation for self worth, identity, conscience, emotional regulation, maturity and morality towards self and others.  Global empathy enables people to avoid harsh judgements and poor behavior, in order to look out for the self and others, through respect, love and healthy boundaries.  In this respect, empathy is both mindful and life affirming.

Merging or enmeshment with others is not love, and anyone who demands that of you is denying your right to independence and individuality.  Setting, reaffirming and holding fast to healthy boundaries, and relationships, is the cornerstone of emotional well being.  Developing healthy relationships based on mutual sensitivity, common values and emotional safety is protective of the self and others.

Character disordered parents tend to be punitive towards children who attempt the normal developmental stage known as ‘Individuation’, as the parent is projecting unmet childhood needs onto their own child.  Survivors are introjecting ie identifying and colluding with that demand, if they feel shame or guilt for wanting a life of their own. 

Erasing the false hope of retrieving the loving parent you never had and will likely not get.  Breaking through false programming is the objective.  Releasing responsibility for not being able to ‘motivate’ the abuser into becoming the longed for loving parent, partner or friend you deserve.  

Survivors are not defective because they cannot inspire love from people who don’t have the emotional bandwidth to experience or offer caring and empathy.  See the abuser for who they are.  Remember how the narcissistic parent, friend or lover abused and rejected you.  Get a mental picture of their cold eyes and uncaring behavior when they betrayed, devalued and discarded you.  Challenge the idealized introject, trauma-bonded love map and Inner Critic.  Separate from the abuser.  Accept yourself as imperfect but worthy of love and life.

Notes

1. Love Bombing – aka Charm Offensives are tactics employed by manipulative individuals to persuade their target to fall in love, or like, with them.  Accordingly, exaggerated feelings of adoration and flattery are employed at the outset of a relationship, to gain the trust of the target, and the upper hand by the perpetrator.
   

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Glynis Sherwood – MEd Counseling Psychology, specializes in recovery from Family Scapegoating, Narcissistic Abuse, False Shame and Guilt, Traumatic Stress, Estrangement Grief and Relationship Challenges.