For years I shared an office with someone who was constantly unhappy, an alcoholic, jealous; a co-worker that had no sense of boundaries, one who would openly mock everyone in really inappropriate ways suggesting mental illness, infidelity, laziness in others, etc. Things were difficult while we worked together, including exposure to these really awkward situations and general anger towards me with much abuse and harassment coming my way (finding my workstation torn apart, general attempts at shunning, talking down about me to others, etc), and it escalated after I was promoted to slanderous lies to management of how I physically abused him. This began to severely impact my life. Foremost I didn’t like who I was becoming in response to this, I felt out of control, I was angry, I didn’t know how to respond or react, and I worried that I would lose my job. It literally kept me up at night to the point where I was missing work because I hadn’t slept and ultimately drove me to seek medical/pharmaceutical assistance just to get through the night so I could return to this ugly situation where I honestly questioned what I had done to deserve this wrath. This was unacceptable to me because I didn’t understand why it was happening and I expected better of myself in how I responded. Getting some therapy played an important role in putting my life, or more importantly my priorities, back into perspective. I realized that this situation is not particularly uncommon, and in fact that it can get far worse. Through the process of talking with Glynis I was able to verbalize and realize that my own core values of hard work, and decency towards others are not always shared. I realized that these values and others are important to me and that I have to take steps to keep my life in alignment with them, including speaking up strongly when a boundary is crossed – for example stating quite clearly when I am uncomfortable about a situation that I do not want to see repeated, and taking steps to distance myself from abusive people. Realizing that people will hurt each other, without thought, respect, or provocation, or even just for fun at someone else’s expense was a real eye opener for me and I find I am now consciously reminding/warning myself of this type of behavior in people as I see it. Recognizing that I have values outside of the work place has also helped me. I realize my happiness may be more dependent on things I enjoy away from my employment (such as studies, nature, etc), and that how I define myself at work may have to change to put some of these other things more into balance – or that I may need to quit/leave work if things don’t improve (fortunately for me they have!) but that if I do it’s really not the end of the world. Talking things out with Glynis has also made me more comfortable with talking things out with my friends and family. Previously I found I was always a sounding board but very rarely had an opportunity to get into what was bothering me. Being open with those I hold closest has helped them realize that I too need some help sometimes, and they have become more receptive to listening to me and providing me with ideas and ensuring that my needs are met in a variety of areas. Ultimately I am more comfortable talking about what I need, and recognize I have to be direct. This has lead me to be generally happier over the past few months as I recognize what’s important to me (both in and outside work) and I feel relief knowing that I am taking positive action (distancing, classes to expand employability, setting boundaries, enjoying time alone, getting out into nature). I no longer feel that I should be everyone’s friend or make everyone happy and realize that those nearest me will respect my differences and needs. The change happens slowly but it’s cumulative, I strongly believe that I am taking steps in the right direction and am back in control of my life. I have the freedom to take action to bring me closer to the person I want to be, and it feels fantastic!
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