The Family Scapegoat: 5 Ways To Survive Betrayal
An Interview with Glynis Sherwood MEd by Abby Gardiner of Stress Bubbles
Scapegoating is family bullying ~ Glynis Sherwood
Being the family scapegoat is a life altering, kick in the stomach, stunning shock.
It’s not about being the noisy, difficult one in the family and being disliked by other members.
It’s about revealing trauma that occurred to you when you were little – in the form of sexual abuse, incest or family violence, and your family responds.
By leaving you.
I have written previously about the scars formed from scapegoating, family estrangement, “secondary wounding,” and the legacy of trauma.
This post is about how to understand and move beyond ultimate betrayal – from one’s own family.
Advice From An Expert
Glynis Sherwood, a Psychotherapist and Coach from Canada, has studied the scapegoating concept in depth.
She has been counseling clients about it since 2009
I turn to her wise counsel in this post, for advice about healing.
The Family Scapegoat Scenario
The scapegoat typically keeps his/her secret for a very long time, buries it, so as not to upset the family or to keep the peace.
When the scapegoat finally releases the truth (as most have to do, needing to heal) the expectation is of course a family rushing in with love and support.
In this case, the family turns the other way and stays away.
“Backlash is the norm here,” says Glynis Sherwood.
For the victim, it’s the stunner of a lifetime.
Here is Why It Happens
Dysfunctional families are closed family systems, Sherwood says.
“The rules of power are understood. Those with power, rather than principles, are in control.”
A closed system “is not built on love or moral strength. It often encapsulates a family history founded on multi-generational abuse, secrets and lies.”
The goal, then, obviously, becomes to keep the scapegoat – bearer of secrets – quiet. And, in any number of ways.
“The scapegoat is silenced to ensure that the family does not collapse.
Ostracizing, punishing the victim and/or denying the truth maintains the myth of ‘the good family.’ Preserving the myth is more important than the truth.”
“And, like a house on fire, the scapegoat must be extinguished.”
And is.
Love Or Support For A Victim of A Crime? No.
“Character disordered people are incapable of love.”
Little wonder, then, that “scapegoating is an earth-shattering situation for the victim,” says Sherwood, and invariably one that results in mental health challenges, such as chronic anxiety and depression.
Even more damaging is the knowledge that “there can be no reconciliation with toxic, damaged, narcissistic family members who lack the emotional wherewithal or character strength to know and do the right thing.”
And then, inevitable questions sit painfully with the scapegoat:
“Did my family ever love me?”
“Who am I?”
“Is my life a lie?”
Reality Check
The scapegoat faced and told the truth. The scapegoat faced the consequences.
The others did not.
This is why the scapegoat is considered the healthiest family member, Sherwood says, because, “he/she made the horrendous but conscious decision to release him/herself from the toxic family, and, is the one to endure the loss of family.”
Then further devastating epiphanies.
“The grief, the feelings of abandonment, and having to admit to yourself that it’s over, there’s no turning back, no happy ending.”
How Can Anyone Heal From This?
Not easily. But there are productive steps you must take, Sherwood maintains.
- Forgive Yourself.
“You can only make peace with yourself, knowing you are the keeper of honesty and truth-telling in a damaged family system that does not know how to learn from mistakes or crimes against other family members.”
- The Mess That Remains is Not Your Fault.
“It’s about you not fitting into a toxic system. You are not flawed, defective or unlovable – the family system is.”
- Get Counselling. Get Your Poison Out.
“I don’t know that anyone can recover 100%, but most people, (provided they get appropriate counselling and support,) can feel much better.”
- Make Healing Your Number One Priority.
“You have to manage the scar tissue, set limits that protect you from ongoing abuse, challenge internalized shame-based beliefs, and build healthier, non-traumatic relationships.”
- Remember What You Still Have.
If you have loving friends, children, a caring partner, and other relatives who support you, cherish them. Let toxic people go. You have endured enough.
Your biggest job now, is to heal from this devastating, life altering betrayal.
You must. With help, and new love for yourself, you will.
Read Glynis Sherwood’s Articles on Scapegoating here
Dealing with Family Scapegoating and Need More Help? Click here to visit my Scapegoat Counseling page
Counseling is available by Video worldwide.
Glynis Sherwood – MEd, Canadian Certified Counselor, Registered Clinical Counselor (BC), specializes in recovery from Family Scapegoating, Low Self Worth, Anxiety, Depression, Trauma, Complicated Grief and Addictive Behaviors.