‘No Contact’ is not a welcome choice that family scapegoats make to push family away, but rather a decision of last resorts they are driven to in order to protect themselves from ongoing abuse by family members who refuse to respect
healthy relationships, limits or behavior.
What is the No Contact rule?
Simply speaking, ‘No Contact’ is a deliberate choice to end all communication – either in person, by phone, email, , text or otherwise – with verbally, emotionally and, sometimes, physically abusive family members, and possibly those who support their position. Sometimes ‘No Contact’ is final, as when a target determines that a line has been crossed that negates any further communication, such as threats or physical abuse.
More typically amongst scapegoats, ‘No Contact’ is open ended, meaning it will be retracted if their abusers acknowledge mistreatment and make a commitment to not engage in abusive behavior again. Unfortunately this is rare and unlikely, but demonstrates the hopefulness, desire and mental health on the part of the scapegoat to improve and hold onto family relationships. The fact that scapegoating families are willing to deny the truth about abusive behavior is a statement about the psychological dysfunction of the family system as a whole.
Why Scapegoats Choose ‘No Contact’
Scapegoats have usually tried repeatedly – often over years or decades – to maintain and improve relationships with difficult family members, only to be continuously put down, lied about, shamed, blamed, and abused verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically in spite of their efforts. On top of that, if they try to stop scapegoating behavior, they tend to be punished repeatedly for attempting to break free of their role as the ‘family problem’. Scapegoats are frequently told they are creating family problems by ‘blowing the whistle’ on abuse. The cruel irony here is that scapegoating often escalates in response to targets trying to bring an end to it.
Due to this kind of vicious circle dynamic, many scapegoats choose ‘No Contact’ as a last resort to distance themselves from ongoing mistreatment. They rightfully fear habitual abuse at the hands of their family, and are driven to escape the trauma of unrelenting harm. Scapegoating is the ultimate abuse of power and a dehumanizing experience, as targets are considered to have few or no human rights by family members who mistreat them. When understood from this perspective, ‘No Contact’ is an essential psychological survival strategy.
Other reasons scapegoats go ‘No Contact’ include when abusive behavior is escalating, they are dealing with addicts who are not in recovery, or they are motivated to protect partners, children, other family members or friends from abuse. As can be seen by these examples, ‘No Contact’ is an act of desperate self preservation by scapegoats who want healthy relationships with their family, but desire more to flee the humiliation, hurt and craziness of ongoing mistreatment.
By saying ‘No’ to scapegoating, targets are escaping the nightmare of never being allowed to be right – especially when they are.
Saying ‘No’ to Abuse
By choosing ‘No Contact’, scapegoats are saying ‘No’ to making themselves available to be abused. They are escaping the repetitive nightmare of never being allowed to be seen as loveable or worthy members of a family that frames them as the bad guy. They step off the path of false blame for family dysfunction. They say ‘No’ to projection of guilt, shame and inappropriate behavior onto themselves by their accusers. Scapegoating, like other forms of abuse and bullying relies heavily on denial and projecting the problems of one or more group members onto the target. By saying “I won’t do this any more”, targets are resigning from toxic patterns of abusive family dynamics. They are refusing to falsely claim responsibility for other people’s problems. In the end they are choosing basic sanity and peace of mind.
How to Go ‘No Contact’
The decision to go ‘No Contact’ is highly personal one. It’s a statement by the target that s/he has the right to not participate in being an object of degradation or humiliation by family members. The decision to go ‘No Contact’ can be a private oath sworn in silence, or communicated more openly to one or more family members. The important issue for targets is to be clear about their intention in communicating openly – or not. There are pros and cons to both choices.
To Communicate or Not Communicate ‘No Contact’?
If a target decides to disclose their decision to go ‘No Contact’, they are being direct with others about their purpose. While this creates clarity regarding intent, it will also likely result in the escalation of scapegoating behavior, albeit from the safer distance of ‘No Contact’. Scapegoaters become defensive when their abusive behavior is being openly identified, though have no problem abusing their targets – the ultimate form of hypocrisy.
A ‘No Contact’ stance tends to elicit angry denunciation of the target’s decision by scapegoaters, and becomes fuel for more false outrage, blaming and framing the target’s choice as further evidence of their ‘badness’. On the other hand, if the target chooses to not communicate their decision to go ‘No Contact’, their silence may be ignored or, greeted with more scapegoating behind the scenes. In other words, regardless of the target’s choice regarding disclosure, the malicious gossip mill will probably keep running in an attempt to continue vilifying – and controlling – the target. Targets must weigh the pros and cons of silence versus disclosure regarding their decision to go ‘No Contact’.
Once the decision to go ‘No Contact’ has been made, it’s very important for scapegoats to not back peddle. This can be challenging in the face of direct or indirect pressure from family members, or their allies, to revert back to their assigned role as the ‘family problem’. Scapegoating tactics, such as trying to make the target feel guilty for the tension that ‘No Contact’ creates may also be used in an attempt to force the target back into their place in the toxic family system. Scapegoats must hold their ground for their own peace of mind, but also to demonstrate the limits they are prepared to set in order to be treated civilly by others.
In the end, ‘No Contact’ is a powerful and healthy position for many targets to take. It communicates a powerful message that the target will no longer participate in victimization dynamics. It is a positive, courageous and assertive choice to take control of one’s own identity and relationships. At the same time, it can create some space to be open to – and aware of – any signs of positive change in the family, and to discover who might be on their side.
What ‘No Contact’ Costs Scapegoats
Loss
‘No Contact’ can be one of the most heart wrenching choices a scapegoat can make. In spite of a legitimate decision to move away from abuse, ‘No Contact’ represents a break from and, sometimes, the permanent loss of family. As most scapegoats are mentally well, they experience normal, healthy grief in the face of this loss. Scapegoats have been deprived of the one thing they come into this world deserving – to be wanted and loved by family, especially parents. It’s heartbreaking enough to have endured the betrayal of scapegoating, and then have to give up on holding on to hope by going ‘No Contact’. This takes tremendous courage, and scapegoats deserve understanding and support.
Scapegoats can also experience a ripple effect of estrangement generated by a malicious gossip mill, whereby extended family relationships are damaged or lost due to buying into the scapegoat myth. This creates a greater sense of loneliness for scapegoats, especially at traditional family times such as Christmas. For people who grew up in scapegoating family systems holidays were often conflict filled, and can be emotionally triggering, due to these kinds of traumatic associations.
Scapegoat survivors who go ‘No Contact’ may also no longer be able to look forward to including family members in important milestones such as weddings, births, graduations, new jobs, etc. And scapegoats who go ‘No Contact’ may become more vulnerable if they have no one to turn to if the going gets tough, such as times of serious illnesses, job loss, divorce, or financial problems.
Ongoing Abuse & Narcissism
Many scapegoats come from family systems that are character disordered –often narcissistic – meaning controlling, self centered, unloving, unsupportive, discontented, mentally unhealthy people are at the helm. It can be very hard for scapegoats to escape the negative scrutiny of these families who rely on having someone to blame for their problems, and fear the loss of control of their target, who serves a psychological ‘need’ in the narcissist to never feel bad about themselves. The scapegoat fits that so-called ‘need’.
Narcissists have a fragile sense of self due to an ‘external locus of control’, which translates into relying on others to reflect back to them that they are lovable and worthy people, as they are unable to do this for themselves. In other words, narcissists are dependent on others seeing them favorably in order to feel good about themselves. But underneath, narcissists have unconscious fears of inadequacy which break through when they are not being put on a pedestal, they are being criticized or asked to take accountability for negative behavior. When this happens, narcissistic rage arises, and the scapegoat is made responsible for this unhappiness.
Narcissistic family members lack insight, and do not see themselves as liable for their own behavior. As their egos are fragile, and they do not have the strength for self reflection, they need a fall guy to take away their pain. Denial and minimization of personal responsibility, blaming others, and rage are the main defenses of narcissistic people.
Scapegoats who leave narcissistic family systems often experience ongoing harassment. This can be through direct confrontation, or abuse behind the scenes, such as malicious lies and gossip.
Social Bias
In our culture there is a powerful Judeo-Christian bias against going ‘No Contact’. The unspoken credos to ‘Forgive and forget’ or ‘Turning the other cheek’ run counter to the need to protect oneself from abuse. ‘No Contact’ also threatens the myth of the good family. As a consequence, scapegoats who go ‘No Contact’ are often harshly judged and falsely accused of being insensitive, uncaring and hostile – the very behaviors their abusers engage in!
What is Life Like After No Contact?
Many scapegoat survivors describe a sense of liberation, and most feel more at peace over time. Your nervous system will likely begin to settle down once you are out of the line of fire. At the same time, life can be challenging, especially in the beginning. It’s a shock to the system to separate from your nuclear family, and requires a process of grieving and adjustment. As previously noted, ‘No Contact’ can be particularly painful on special occasions and holidays that focus on family togetherness. Scapegoats can also feel on the spot fielding awkward questions about family, and knowing what to say.
What To Do
Cultivate relationships with extended family members where possible. Try and find out what family members may be on your side. For family members you are unsure of, you can start with low risk conversations and activities (e.g. going for coffee) that touch on your desire to build healthy relationships to ‘feel them out’. Share something that would not be devastating for you if the person you are conversing with doesn’t seem to get it or respond positively. For example, “I’d like to get to know you better, let’s meet”. If they do react favorably, when you meet you can say something like “I would like to get to know you better as you seem like the kind of person who really respects friends and family”. Again observe how they respond. If it’s positive you can go deeper over time. For example, if asked about upcoming holidays and family, if you feel safe you might say “I’ve decided to spend Christmas with my friend”.
Continue to observe how they react – positive, negative or neutral. If this goes well, then it gives you the green light to share something more personal such as “I’ve decided to spend Christmas with my friend to get away from negative family politics”. There’s a possibility that an extended family member has also been impacted by negative family dynamics and like you wants to break free or minimize contact.
Redefine the meaning of family. Where is it written that family has to be biological? Family should be made up of people whom you trust and who care about you, and vice versa. For many scapegoats, friends do become this family. Some scapegoats deliberately cultivate friendships with people from healthy families so they can get to be part of family get togethers – something that’s missing in their own lives.If your closest friends ask about your family, you should be able to be honest. “My family is abusive, and I have decided to have no contact with them for now”. Good friends won’t pressure you for details or judge you. You should feel comfortable enough to reveal whatever you wish to disclose to a true friend.
What to tell acquaintances? This is trickier, but the short answer is that you don’t owe an explanation to an acquaintance. The point here is to say something that moves you away from that topic as quickly and comfortably as possible. E.G. “No I don’t have family here”; “I spend holidays with my friends”. You can ask about their family as a segway out of the conversation “What about you/your family?”. Or you respond briefly then pleasantly change the subject, e.g. “I had Xmas dinner with my friend…what movie would you like to see”.
If you have somehow contributed to the problems in your family – intentionally or unintentionally – then own up. There’s no time limit on making amends or being a better person. Growing up in an abusive family makes it harder to know how to have positive relationships or engage in healthy behaviors. Forgive yourself, ask others for forgiveness where appropriate and move on. You are already proving to yourself that you are not afraid to strive towards being a bigger person.
Expect to feel sad sometimes. You did not ask to be born into a family that does not value you or respect you for who you are. You have lost a lot in being cheated of a loving family. But you are also a survivor who has chosen to break the silence and end the cycle of abuse. It takes courage and self awareness to break free from the toxic legacy of scapegoating. For that huge reason alone, you deserve to feel good about yourself.
Get help if you need it. If you find yourself struggling with low self worth, guilt, anxiety, fear or sadness after going ‘No Contact’, you may benefit from therapy with an experienced counselor who can help you begin to rebuild your sense of self, overcome your traumatic past, and feel more stable, secure and at peace in the world again.
References
Scapegoating in Families: Intergenerational patterns of physical and emotional abuse, Dr Vimala Pillari, Philadelphia, PA, US: Brunner/Mazel, 1991
Child Abuse: Pathological Syndrome of Family Interaction, Arthur Green, Richard Gaines and Alice Sandgrund, The American Journal of Psychiatry, 2015
Like this Article? Read more Scapegoating articles here
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Glynis Sherwood – MEd, Canadian Certified Counselor, Registered Clinical Counselor, specializes in recovery from Scapegoating, Low Self Esteem, Anxiety, Depression, Grief and Addictive Behaviors. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you achieve the life you want and deserve!
This is all so true. Sometimes you have to love yourself enough to shut the door.
Just tried to reestablish a relationship with my sister, AGAIN. I was told “do I just wake up wanting to create conflict and its best to leave things alone, and she thinks I have too much time on my hands. I told her no more, the good things she has done, that I never thought she was the family problem, and I’m learning that I’m not either. I only tired harder than everyone in the family to create some function, and only got blamed for being too this or too that or the problem. I’m so done. The Golden Child in my family is a drunk driving firefighter. Seriously??? The baby of the family treats everyone like shit, even her own son, when she feels like it. These people don’t have the capacity to have the kind of relationship I’m asking them to have with me. This maybe was how Jesus felt like on the cross. For me, why have I been left out in the cold by my own family? Why did my mom pick me to do this to? This hurts me so much. If I repeat this shit with my kids, oh bad. I HAVE to move on. I have to remind myself that I’m not the “crazy one”, the “mentally ill” one, the “bipolar one” that that they say I am to keep all extended family distant from me and me distant from them. This feels like misery.
I hope you can draw some comfort from the scapegoat articles on my site, and the comments from others who have reclaimed their dignity and begun to heal their hearts by creating distance from family abuse.
Thank you for this I’ve been doing okay in denial seeing the bigger image and had a lot of contact with support but since withdrawn and feel they are holding me back keeping me in the poor victim category but as Christmas is drawing near it is getting very rather difficult now and these are what I feel most usually in the back of my mind but now at forefront “low self worth, guilt, anxiety, fear or sadness ” and then some so thank you trying to find real info and after info on it from someone who really does get it is really difficult too so thankful to find this quite quickly
but helps to know I’m not alone and these are all healthy and normal too
LB, I realized it was “me” after much self reflection that was keeping myself in the “victim” position. Not blaming/shaming myself for it tho, I love myself unconditionally, it was something I’d bought into by being a “poor me”.
What’s always seemed to help me is to get in touch with my “anger” (it’s a “gift” to me, I learned to use in a positive way, motivating me to make changes, knowing “A Life Well Lived Is the Best Revenge of all!) Use it to set firm boundaries to out of “Love” for myself, to protect the precious inner child within me & myself. I gave me my “power” back, I’d been handing over to them. Anger is a perfectly normal emotion that most of us (especially women) were taught was wrong to express. As long as you don’t intentionally hurt others with it. But “expect” anger from them when you do set firm boundaries, that’s their problem, now yours. You can’t set a boundary & worry about another person’s feelings at the same time. They sure didn’t worry about yours & that’s how they’ll keep you in place.
I stopped feeling like a victim then, those were my feelings which I was responsible for. I honestly exploded cause I’d had enuf of being the “scapegoat” of the family. I did the best I could, with the knowledge I had at the time, as we all do. I have “no” regrets now, I did feel a lil guilty at 1st, but knew that was to be expected, too.
Lots of wisdom in your comments FM, running counter to the messages of scapegoating you were abused with. This is the key to recovery – to be able to stand up to external and internalized scapegoating.
Thank you Ms. Mermaid for your kind comments. I’m so glad my articles have been helpful to you. Glad you are surviving and thriving through No Contact. All the best on your healing journey.
Hello all,
wanted to check in and let peeps know how it is (for me) after going no contact for 5 years. I think the desire to be loved by and treated well by family members ‘to be seen’ never goes away. And I have reached out to members of my family with varying levels of success. (Have BPD mom). I recently, accidentally, saw sister who is very enmeshed with BPD mom (she has, I think, BPD, too.) We were totally pleasant to one another, discussed aging mom etc etc. Unfortunately I let it drop that I was visiting another relative the next day. Big mistake! She triangulated with Mom who called other relative, scapegoated me, etc. So it is not easy for me to have and nurture relationships with relatives I love because my mother extracts a price and goes into ‘hyper-scapgoating’ mode. I believe this is why my sisters won’t interact with me (in addition to them probably being pretty pissed about being ‘left’ with mom. For good reason!) The big take away for me is something my therapist has helped me to do: If I had a friend who was treated this badly by their family, what would I say to that friend? This voice, or ability to be my own friend has been crucial for my healing. I won’t say it’s easy or pleasant, but after 5 years I don’t feel the sting of emotional hurt the way I used to (even when getting poison emails from mom that begin with “You liar”). I think about a friend telling me that info and how I would defend my friend’s choice to stay away and it helps!
BTW driving away from the accidental meeting with my sister, I felt both grateful to see a family member, but also felt “I do not trust any of those people.” I really like NOT being on the emotionally devastating ride of being scapegoated. I am a MUCH happier human and I feel like a weight is off-a weight that I didn’t fully get the heaviness of until it started to leave!
Thanks for checking in JuWu. Sounds like you are a person of great strength. Glad your therapist has helped support you to become the friend you really need to be to yourself. I hope others will be inspired by your story, and know that going No Contact, when necessary, can be a path to freedom.
Really appreciate you providing this forum!!!! If I can help someone else with this then some of my suffering seems to have purpose!
Just today I vowed to cut of contact with my emotionally abusive siblings. Thankfully none live in the same state as me, so I don’t see them much anyway. Facebook, email and phone calls have gotten uglier and more painful for me, always trying to defend myself against strawmen, and as I’ve tried to establish more respectful boundaries, the pushback has gotten really nasty. I drew the line today, and when I googled “cutting off family”, this came up. After 56 years, and multiple attempts to plead for fairness, kindness, and basic civility, I finally drew the line.
Growing up with and maintaining contact with an emotionally abusive family has taken a terrible toll on me throughout my life, affecting my career and relationships with other people. . I’m still shaky and feel shocked and vulnerable, sad, angry, and yet proud of myself. I feel like your blogs have been written about me. I took a long time to admit that I wasn’t always wrong, always bad, always creating problems and conflict simply by trying to defend myself, always the awkward misfit they tried to tolerate. I feel like I have decided to save my life! I have a long way to go in building healthy self esteem, which I’ve never had. I’ve never felt good enough, capable, or worth loving. I’ve become hyper sensitive to criticism, and I want to heal. I’ve done this off and on before, never announcing it, nor have I this time, just to my husband, who says it’s high time I did this, and is supportive and won’t let my sibs use him against me. They’ve tried before. The worst was when or mother was dying and shortly after her death, six years ago. Losing her, despite the gaslighting she did to me, was traumatic enough, but they turned on me viciously, alternately ostracizing me and verbally attacking me. I am done. My stomach is still shaking.
The pattern of denigrate, devalue, deny and deflect stops now. I’m stuck between cheering for myself, feeling guilty and scared, and wanting to curl into a ball and hide. I’m glad I found this site.
I’m very moved by what you have shared about your life Karen. You have taken a brave and necessary step to stop abuse. I wish you support and love on your healing journey.
Thank you. I still angry and frankly nonplussed that that my own siblings think I deserve no better treatment. I’ve tried to reason with them, to point out how unfair it is, but they have just doubled down and employed the 4 Ds: Denigrate, devalue, deny, deflect. I have added a fifth D: DONE! I think the anger I feel is a self protective thing, and I am reminding myself that I do matter, I am just as important as anyone else, and I deserve better. I realized that the scene from “Good Will Hunting,” where Robin Williams tells Will over and over that the abuse was not his fault, applies to those like me too. We didn’t deserve it.
It helps to have an outlet. This is so painful, and no one else really wants to hear about it – who would?!? It’s awful – so I’m here, and I talk to myself (in private).
Do you have a book you could recommend to help me get through this?
I can see how the removal or death of a parent would be a precursor for worse behvior. It now becomes a sibling who vies for control or to maintain the status quo. It is usually and rightfully so, the scapegoat who wants things to change as in better treatment, being treated fairly and with respect.
I was astonished, when five years ago, I attempted to draw this line with relatives and they all refused to discontinue this dynamic. It was exhausting and trying to see that happen. I gave up. I walked away b/c I finally accepted that they would never be kind to me. That was hard. My dad would give me money oftentimes in private while I was married. I took it to mean that he was sorry and was trying to make up for what had happened. But, his behavior was all guilt based. He wasn’t willing to fix the problems in my family, rather he was always willing to buy me off with wads of cash and expensive dinners. Well, something is wrong if that is the only thing you can look forward to receiving when in a family group. That was my life.
I started to see the money as a bribe or payment for being the scapegoat. It just wasn’t worth it. My family was seemingly upstanding which made going against them even harder. My dad promised me money, in a vague sense of the word, when he died and again, I took that to mean, “keep putting up with all of this behavior and I’ll reward you with money eventually.” Do as he wanted and he gives me money. Sadly, I needed it. I still do. I questioned if that would ever really happen and figured I couldn’t count on it. It was the one thing that kept me bound to that horrible condition. It wasn’t fair and I’ve realized that there is no amount of money that is acceptable enough for me to take as payment to being a doormat.
I’ve cut all ties and I realize that means I probably won’t get anything from either parent and that is ok. They made their choices long ago and now they can live with the bloodthirsty siblings I used to call family as their only inheritants. Keep in mind, this was far from easy. Because of the way I was abused, my economic life has been so hard despite being very qualified and capable. I have had to fight to find work and break my back for any sort of paycheck. I should be making more on qualifications alone. I know that I should. I know that I deserve it. I also know that other siblings are living a cushy lifestyle and I believe it is because they built it a cost to me.
There were four of us, but I always believed that I was an unwanted child. Therefore, the least amount of money and resources went to supporting me. I had to beg for everything from doctors, to clothing, to cars and, when my life depended on it, a roof over my head. Begging didn’t work either. I was usually denied, except for when I was doing things that they wanted me to do.
My life looks sad in comparison. And it is sad that the siblings I had thought greed was the answer. They truly aligned together to cut me out of the line for sustenance. They won. Congratulations.
Today, I support myself all on my own. I may not have as many nice things as they do, but I have enough. I did not sell myself out, but every last one of them has. One sibling has garnered awards for work helping sexual traffic survivors. It’s been in the newspapers. But, when her sister who had been assaulted needed her help, she openly requested that other family members NOT help while refusing to assist. She threatened to disown my mother if she helped.
Evidently, my mother was more concerned with other people no longer speaking to her than possibly saving her daughter’s life.They both worked for institutions like Rape Crisis and suicide hotlines. It is without a doubt the biggest hypocrisy I have ever personally known. It is still rather unfathomable for me to believe that this all actually happened. It seems ludicrous and hard to believe. The sad reality is that it is 100% accurate. One could openly ask them and they would get the same answers. What did you do to help? Nothing. Did you know something was wrong? Yes. Did you notice any signs? Yes. What did you do? Nothing. Did you blame her for her circumstances? Yes. That’s what we’ve always done.
My anger over this apparent bias seems fitting. Taking the blame for everything for most of my life while others got away with things that were egregious and horrible is just too much to bear, especially when I’ve unjustly paid a price while they’ve falsely claimed to hold some virtuous light in the community. In all truth, it makes me 100% nauseous and green to the gills. The fact of the matter is that I hold more virtue in my pinky finger than my entire family combined. Yet, I have been deserted and left for dead while they won accolades in their cush homes. I never wanted to make any enemies of them. I always wanted to get along. I am sad that it had to come to this, but at some point, enough is enough.
I’m sick of paying that price. I’m sick of being blamed, accused and judged. I’m sick of it all. If blaming me is so important to them, then how come they are never held accountable or have to answer for anything? How come? I bet they’d all sooner pee their pants or run and hide then answer for any of this. Welcome to the world I have had to face for decades.
If there is one thing I have always striven for, it’s fairness and I know what happened to me was completely unfair and not ok. I’m just grateful I got the chance to air this. It has damaged and eaten away at me for a long time.
And I may never get answers and I guess that is fine. But, it does feel good to get it all out. I want to let it go so it no longer eats at me. Whatever happens after this, well, it’s out of my hands and I do think that the odds will turn in my favor based on merit and no longer being treated like I deserve something bad on amount on some abusive *&^ that I had the misfortune to be related to.
I wish I had been born into a loving family. I know that my life could have been so much better and alot less painful. Thank you for giving scapegoats a place to feel validated and heard. It is truly needed.
You are welcome Christine. In spite of egregious abuse by your family, you are a person of great dignity, integrity and self awareness. No one can ever take that away from you. You deserved a loving family and quite rightly feel angry. But you also have an overview that seems to be helping you to break free of the pain and loss.
Thanks Glynis. I do feel angry, but at least, I’ve accepted it and why. I think that releasing it will heal it, for it will no longer hold a power over me.
Karen, your experience is very similar to mine. Have you decided to walk away and if so, how is it going?
When I first wrote, it was in response to all the siblings and a brother-in-law dogpiling one of my Facebook posts. It was so stupid, so unnecessary. My attitude is, fine, disagree with me, but personal attacks are not acceptable. It was ugly; these people are in their 50s and 60s! I blocked them. A month ago my sister sent a chatty little email, attempting to sweep things under the rug. I wouldn’t allow it, not this time. It’s a classic pattern of abuse, setting me up for next time. Keep I’m in mind, this stuff has gone on since I was about 8 years old. I spelled out for her exactly what the deal is, that I am not accorded the basic courtesy extended to mere acquaintances, and that not one of them ever apologizes or even acknowledges that anything bad has happened, and that I won’t accept this as the way thing are anymore. Almost every family get together was ruined for me. Being alternately ostracized and denigrated hurts. Silence from the other end, and that’s it. We used to chat at least once a week on the phone (she’s on the east coast, I’m on the west), but although I miss it, I can’t go back to pretending, and walking on egg shells. The two brothers don’t care, never really have. So I am enjoying my own life with husband and son, and of course, friends. I have not brought my elderly father into any of this. I just go on with my life. I wish it wasn’t like this, but there is no incentive for them to change the status quo. It benefited them, just not me. And I’m ok.
It was suggest to me, a long time ago, by more then one counselor, to go no contact with my mother and most of her family. Years later, it still hurts to realize the behavior I and my oldest was exposed too. Sadly, I married right into the same. I have mother &sister in laws, who have shown their mistreatment and caddie pettiness. They had open access to my children, yet never encouraged their children to contact us to say Thank you for any xmass gifts, yet I’m to blame for not keeping in touch. My oldest tried with sending postcards when younger to keep in contact, response was none. When F.B. came we wrongly thought it could be a way to keep in touch. Sadly, we were wrong. They used it wrongfully, gathering information and misrepresent it to be something other then what it was, twisting happy and informational post into caddie comments. It was sad when friends witnessed such behavior through social media and expressed concern. I’m truly blessed with good friends who see truth, yet not judgmental, leading to them dropping me as a friend. My daughter said it was a good thing, “count You’r blessing s Mom” I’m Grateful for children who know actions are worth more then words…. these people never responded positively for them unless they could pat themselves on the back… they know its just all searching for information they can use later in a negative way. (Sadly, my husband is no better) All my youngest remembers from her last visit was how mean everyone was. My oldest was done when they couldn’t visit one summer, because everyone got together to go on v.k. at a beach house, without them. It definitely made her feel left out. I made arrangements, that year, for my oldest to visit my brother.(who lives out of state).. the phone calls came in, asking about the trip…Not because they were happy for her, one could tell they were surprised, and searching for information. As if she did something without them or went on v.k. and they weren’t involved. It seemed as if, the trip they went on without my children was suppose to mean something to my kids, almost like an in-your-face thing. It’s a horrible mentality to be exposed too at a young age..especially when it’s family more pathetic when it’s adult family members. What’s sad is they prove daily how rude & emotionally twisted they are, and don’t see it. Now they claim I’m the Narcissist one with a messed up family…. Yes, I have a messed up family, at least I can see it, owned up to it… these people hide everything and have a fit if you stand up to their extremely Rude and horrible behaviour. Appearances are everything… I find they love to install hang ups and excuse it has having a sense of humour and your too sensitive. Can’t believe how many times I’ve heard that from both sides… laughing at someone and with someone is very different. Extremely, sad they don’t know the difference, or need to overcome their own insecurities by doing so.
Again, I’m Grateful my children are smart enough to recognize this. They may not like it, are a bit confused about it.. However, they do see it. And Yes, I am sensitive, also considerate. I’m not intentionally selfish at the negative expense of others, especially those I love. Unlike these people, who have shown throughout the years their vindicdiveness, then excuse their bad behavior as “we aloud it” sad how most fall for that, not recognizing bad behaviour is wrong to begin with.
Thank you for this article. It surely will open eyes to the world some live with.
L.a. Toole – Sounds like you have good instincts about what’s right and how to protect your children from the pain you experienced. Glad you have a supportive network of friends. All the best to you.
Karen: I am in exactly the same boat as you. I decided that life was too short and I cut ties completely with my siblings and their families…and I get the feeling that they’re perfectly okay with this. It has been 10 years since I last corresponded with two of them. Self-esteem is an issue for me as I tend to worry about what others will say but more and more, I am able to calmly recollect the various situations where they denigrated me and made me feel so low. I too am glad that I found this site. It serves to infuse me with a shot of confidence and tells me that I’ll be okay and to believe in myself and my decision.
Thank you. I’m in the process of ending contact with 2 toxic family members and your articles are very useful in letting me understand the dynamics. So far, I’m feeling mostly relief at my decision and, to be honest, the gaslighting and bullying has been going on so long, I don’t expect to regret it. I don’t live close by and have good friends and a family of my own who will support me.
Trisha2 – Sounds like you are in a good place to make this decision – i.e. feeling relief, have good support. Best of luck to you!
Thanks. I’m also aware that my family members probably see me as the toxic one and that this view may now be spread further but I hope my cutting contact will also let them get on with their lives in a healthier way.
Yay!
It’s just too hard to explain this to everyone. No contact is extra difficult because of the tearing down of self esteem that the toxic family causes to the scapegoat. After the death of each parent it escalated until there was one sibling. Even after having a longtime therapist spell it out for me (which they seldom do) it took years. We finally broke contact 4 years ago. It was verrry difficult at first, but now….now I’m living! I’m growing and my confidence had grown leaps and bounds. After 15 years of being single by choice, I’m dating again while now knowing my worth.
My sister and I are facebook friends. We don’t ever comment on each other’s posts. I have actually unfollowed her which works well, but if I should ever want to contact her I know how to find her. Mutual friends were a problem for me. ..those family friends whom she’s convinced that she’s a saint and I’m less than. I unfriended all of them. Freedom. If I was put on this earth to learn one lesson this was it. Our families don’t define us. We are strong enough to close this door and watch the beautiful changes.
Tracy I think you have done a great job of explaining your personal experience with No Contact. I think you really found your courage, even though it was hard at the beginning, and now you are reaping the benefits of having left these abusive and unsupportive relationships behind. This gives others hope who are dealing with intolerable family situations. Thank you for sharing and congratulations.
Wonderful statement! I know what you mean and esp. in regards to family friends. It’s heinous how far people will go. I’ve done the same: blocked, unfriended, sayonara. Our families do not define us. We can let go of that toxin and see that there is so much beauty out there.
Validation was key to my finally going no contact. The question used to always be in my head. “What if it IS me and not them.” Finally after it was witnessed by others, I accepted it as truth. Wish I believed more in myself before but I DO now. I trust those instincts now…at 49!
It’s so important to have a supportive witness, whether in the form of friends who see the abuse, or a therapist who can validate your truth. All the best to you!
What Have You Done to Recover From the Pain of Family Scapegoating?
Hi Bee – Thanks for your comment and positive feedback on my article. It’s completely understandable that you are angry. Anger is a normal response to mistreatment. Most people want a meaningful connection with family, and it’s difficult though – as you point out – necessary if family refuses to be civil or acknowledge the problem. I wish you the best as you continue you to protect yourself and move on with your life.
Thanks Glynis…I have my good & bad moments but it’s far better than all bad when I had contact.
I love this article. Word for word. It has fit my circumstances to a T. I like the advice you have given on how to respond to inquiries about family b/c that has been difficult for me. In my case, I went no contact without explanation. First, I did it with those people who were the worst to deal with. Then, eventually, I let everyone go. I decided that even they had a part in allowing this dynamic to occur. Although, I do not hate them, I feel it is best. The worst scapegoat abusers in my family are probably narcissistic, like my older sister and possibly my mother. My dad had issues, but his were more like being absent too much. My other siblings just joined in. And the rest of my family fell in line. The stretch of the main culprits, my mother and sister, reached very very far. They were quite literally ruthless in their campaign to degrade me. And other people have tolerated them. Maybe others are afraid of them. I believe my brother was. However, everyone was willing to go along with it. I was the one who wanted it all to be over for as long as I can remember. I do not think any of these relations can ever be salvaged. Even though it is like going up against a tsunami of blame and degradation, it is somehow worth it to be alone and to be free. I’d take that any day over being surrounded by abusers and their posse. And I remember sitting in a doctor’s office when he openly told me that my family was filled with personality disorders. I know this to be true, but just like in scapegoat fashion, I was the one being seen by a doctor b/c of all the unnecessary abuse and trauma. I was probably the only one in my family who wasn’t truly screwed up. And because of that mental wellness and natural aptitude for empathy, I endured pain at an unbearable and horrible price.
Christine, your post is my experience exactly. You find with Narcissists that they become enraged when you set boundaries with them and call them out on their abusive tactics. In my case, I’m a sca p ego at and a codependent (same thing?) and I have been diagnosed with moderate Borderline, due to abuse and neglect as a child. Every single member of my family refuses to admit they have problems with rage, anger, empathy, stubborness, entitlement , etc., etc. I seem to be the only one who is capable of self analysis and acceptance of the fact I make mistakes and have flaws. I am now No Contact with my only child, my 32 year old daughter. She should be crowned Princess Narcissism. She refuses to get therapy for abuse done to her by her father and his step father and as a result has split into a full fledged psycho. Our main fights have been about her abuse to her 2 young boys and soon, a daughter who will be born without a grandmother because I’m not going to be around to endure her abusive, treatment to them and to me, the perfect target for her blame andabuse. I’m moving to the other side of the country to free myself of all of them! Don’t worry, I am going to write a letter to her boyfriends parents, asking them to keep an eye out for the children’s welfare. Soooo sad, my daughter knows she will lose me if she refuses to get therapy, but she doesn’t care. No empathy or feelings of love or loyalty or respect!
Sweet T – It’s possible, but I think what you are highlighting is the tension this produces in your marriage when you have this difference of opinion from your spouse. Not an easy place to be, but likely easier than spending time with someone you don’t wish to be in contact with. Good luck.
Thank you for your response.
I’m back here reading and embracing more truth. An upcoming family funeral and a repeated inquiry of a friend brought up discussions with my husband regarding my decision to go no contact with his uncle.
I have gotten on the habit of not asking about his uncle. He has gotten in the habit of not mentioning his uncle.
But with the funeral there has been talk of the Uncle. Just the talk of him and the tension of the thought of seeing him, being around him made me sick. Literally sick, I’m better today after realizing I don’t have to do what my husband wants or expects by attending a funeral that puts me in proximity of his abusive uncle. I told my husband I don’t want to hear anything about his uncle ever again. When I don’t hear I am able to move on with positive thoughts. Hearing about this person who has harmed me, keeps harming me.
I’m done!
How does an adult child accomplish NC with only one parent when senior parents live together?
This article is to the point and explains the concept very well. I was scapegoated by my deceased mother and my narcissistic sister has continued the legacy. The dysfunction is mind-boggling.
This has really helped me; thank you! I have been my abusive narcissistic brother’s scapegoat since childhood, and now that I’m in my 30’s, I finally went no contact about a year ago. I relate so much to everything you’ve said here, and it’s comforting to have that validation – that others have been down the same exact road with family members who exhibit the same negative, narcissistic behaviors, and that it’s OK to go no contact, despite others not ever fully understanding or supporting you. As horrible of a person as my brother is, I am still mourning the relationship that never was, but I’m so at peace with the fact that I’m FREE of the abuse. Thank you again for posting this – it’s really helping me heal.
You are most welcome. All the best on your healing journey!
The shock is the amount of energy the abuser unleashes when faced by no contact boundary sign.
It takes them like decades to know you meant it and will stick by it.
Producer – Yes, defensiveness, denial and projection and the main strategies of scapegoaters (aka bullies). When defensiveness is seen as the ‘truth’, and truth is viewed as a threat, then scapegoaters heels get dug in.
When I decided to call out my family on the lies, bullying and control caused by my narcissistic older sister, they retaliated with violence, emotional abuse and ripping my character to shreds. They needed a reason to give to people as to why I walked away….they blamed me, saying they turned their back on me and made up vicious and hurtful lies about me. I now live in another town and I am so lonely. I was homeless for 6 months and the emotional abuse was relentless.
Kerry – What a terrible betrayal you have endured. Sadly, the response of your family is typical of what other scapegoats have to deal with when confronting abusers with the truth. Loneliness is very hard to deal with. But it sounds like being in contact with your family is even lonelier. May you find the love, compassion and support you deserve in your new town.
This is exactly how it goes for me…involving my children and my ex-husband has taken me to some dark places. I totally want to rant and rave but am not sure that it helps me. Maybe I have been ranting and raving to the wrong people.
It feels devastating most of the time. I am relying heavily on a spiritual 12 step program to help me stay disengaged and safely distant. I am blogging about my journey but not getting too specific because my sister is married to a federal judge and she is nuts and I feel I have to be careful about sharing the details of my abuse though my blog does not say my name anywhere. The terror of my gas lighting, narcissist abusers who will not let me stay or ext in peace is too much. Here is one of my posts about how it affected me this holiday season. I am also new to this format and way of reaching others. blogging and reddit….but I think we need to feel community…break the cycle of isolation.
http://wholesomebadass.com/2016/11/thanksgiving-thoughts-for-those-who-are-contemplating-no-contact/
Wholesome BadAss – Thanks for sharing your healing journey and the wisdom of your blog. I think others here will find support and validation in your writing.
It is sad but true. I have removed myself finally from contact with all family members and it feels very sad and also scary because it is so final. I came to terms some years ago, with the help of a therapist to realise that although I had tried so hard to relate to my family of origin over the years, they had never really been there for me in any way that counted and to add insult to injury, they were fond of saying how much they had given to me over the years. Seriously! After that visit with the therapist, I came home and cried for 3 days and then strangely, discovered that my life went along so much better without my family in it.
Over Christmas this year, I made a comment on fb about my family to a friend, sharing that Christmas was always a difficult time for me because my family was abysmal. My sister happened to read the comment and her response to what I shared with my friend was full of projections. As I digested what she wrote, I could see that she was full of rage. I subsequently blocked her from all contact and deleted her toxic message to me. I am entitled to have my feelings about what is going on in my life, and I shared them honestly with my friend. In the past, one or other of my sisters would ring me up after an incident where I would have apparently upset my mother because I shared feelings she did not want to know about. So I realised she always seems so nice but plays the victim, triangulates and plays ‘Conquer and divide’. I finally realised that she has done this all my life and sacrificed me to attend to her neediness. By sacrificing me, she knows she can rely on getting support from one or other of my siblings. She is totally unaware that she does this and does not have the ability to self-reflect. I am just glad now that I can see the dynamics and stay away.
After a meeting with my mother over recent weeks, one of my sisters tried to contact me by phone. I realised that should I have picked up the phone, I would have been berated and attacked, I would not have been heard, and would have come away exhausted and upset. I did not pick up the phone and felt scared of what they might do to me. I have allowed them in the past to do this and worn the consequences of engaging in a phone conversation where I always came off as the ‘bad guy’. No longer. If I do not pick up the phone, they will be left with themselves and their feelings and they cannot dump them on me.
After the fb incident, my other sister has been constantly trying to get in touch with me via PM or phone. I am not responding and deleting any msg or log of her calls. She is very, very angry and will project this on me. I am no longer accepting her invitation to dump her rage on me.
Sadly, it appears that the only way I can be safe is to be completely NC with all family members.
My aunt invited me over a few weeks ago and in the space of two hours, showed me by her facial expressions and cutting off any comments I would make, and finally dismissing me because I obviously did not act in a way that she wanted (as listener without opinions). I came away feeling very angry and upset from the meeting. I sent her a msg the following day, letting her know how I felt. I have now been discarded by her, because the only way she can relate with me is for me to listen avidly to her, have no opinions and to be there as a foil for her. I no longer choose to engage in relating with her in this manner. So it will be Modified or No Contact with her too.
I feel sad that I do not have a family that cares about me and Christmas was a painful time this year. I did spend Christmas evening with a friend who kindly invited me to share it with her family, but it was still a very conflictual day for me.
Suzanne – You have such profound insight and instinct for self protection. You have figured out perhaps the most important aspect about scapegoating – that it’s not about you, but the narcissistic projections of family members. When you remove “narcissitic supply” by not going along with their projections – as you must to be able to hold your head up high – it enrages them. You were deprived of having the love of family that any of us should expect coming into this world. I hope your future Christmases will be spent with people who appreciate and care deeply for you.
Thanks Glynis. This has been a long healing journey for me and it has taken me a long time to really unravel the many loose and covert ends to discover just how deep this goes in my family. It is a real set-up and some important pieces have fallen into place over recent weeks, specifically with my mother and my aunt.
A few years ago now, when my mother stole my daughter away (long story), she took over the parenting role and made out to be a better mother than I was for my daughter. When I confronted my mother in regard to this, she would not discuss the issue and basically told me that my daughter at 19 was an adult, could make her own decisions and the matter was closed. At this point I realised that my mother was never going to hear my pain or own what she had done.
I have removed all the narcissistic supply now with all family members and left them to themselves. All they do is become vicious with me and accuse me of all sorts of things that are projections. It is very sad to not have a healthy family where I feel safe to be and to share and to feel ok about simply being myself, but unfortunately it is not going to happen with my family of origin. I have also had to tell my daughter after being estranged from her for 10 years now, that I am no longer doing this relationship in a one-sided manner. I have invited her to participate in therapy with me to resolve our issues but she has not responded. So now, if she makes contact I respond appropriately with exactly the same amount of response as what she chooses to share; nothing less and nothing more and I have strong boundaries in place. I refuse to be treated badly (I have previously allowed her to do this, but no longer) any longer and am not reaching out. I will respond, but not reach out until and unless there is a willingness to engage in a more mutual relationship. It has broken my heart, but my boundaries and value of myself comes first these days.
None of this was ever about me, but from birth I was set up to be the black sheep and scapegoat in my family. I have now understood all the ways in which I have got caught and have realised that the only way to deal with this is strict modified contact when the contact is appropriate; otherwise No Contact. In the past, I would respond to my sisters when they would ring to ‘discuss’ what had happened in the hope that I might be able to share and be heard from my point of view. Unfortunately their agenda was simply to smear, project and attack me, leaving me with wounding on top of wounds and adrenal fatigue that would take weeks from which to recover.
I attended my daughter’s wedding two Novembers ago now and had I known what it was going to be like, I would not have gone. I did not want to spoil her day. In retrospect, I should not have gone. I was not invited by the new in-laws to participate in any of the planning and was excluded from this by both them and my daughter. When I mentioned that I wanted to help, my daughter said ‘ This is not about you Mum. It is our special day and do not spoil it please.) I was devastated and that should have given me a clue. Her father gave a very pointed speech at the wedding about how, if it had not been for their intervention in my daughter’s life, she would not be flourishing as she now was. That was the most humiliating speech I have ever heard and I could have simply fallen through the floor with shame. I left the very next morning as soon as I could (country wedding). My daughter’s father is a narcissist and he was horrible to her as she was growing up and abusive to her; so much so that when she was 12, I went to court to get the orders changed so that she had control over whether she went on access visits or not. That was granted. I was always a loving mother, but my daughter has observed her father’s treatment of me and also the treatment dished out by my family and blames me for being ‘strange’. It has all been extremely hurtful. I know on a very deep level that I loved my daughter and gave her a very good childhood as she was growing up. I can see the results of my parenting in how she now goes about her adult life. I know this and I also know that without my parenting of her, and without my healing work, she would not be reaping the benefits of life that she currently is.
So, sad though it is, I have needed to break right away from them all, to stay healthy, happy and sane. It may not be what I hoped, but at least I have a fully functioning and happy life and although Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day and other anniversary times are very challenging for me, I negotiate them as best I can and do what I can to make them bearable. I sincerely hope that next Christmas will be a warm and nurturing one in its entirety.
Suzanne – Again I am struck by the solidness of your boundaries and the wisdom of your perspective in the midst of this pain and confusion. As you go deeper into your truth, and wish to share it, it’s sad that your daughter is not ready or able to receive what you have to offer. I hope she comes around. It’s hard not knowing if she will. But I can see you have your feet planted in reality by focusing the on the one thing you can control – your self.
I do feel very sad Glynis but I matter and we cannot know what we cannot know. I have learned a great deal about myself and the construct of my family system even more over the 10 years I have been estranged from my daughter and realise that my family is really incapable of hearing me. I am only welcome in a form that enables them to look fine.
My journey began a long time ago because as long as I can remember, it was a fight for survival for me. I have a very good memory and sense of fairness and justice and would always speak out because for some reason, I have the capacity to hone in on what is going on and my truth somehow was always retained.
I cannot do much about my daughter and I realise that she has been given enough to be able to live a solid adult life, and she is doing just that. I do hope that one day she may see that there is not just one side to a story but I matter too. She does not like uncomfortable feelings and when I have expressed myself to her, she has said things like ‘Mum, get over it, nothing is going to change’, when I have expressed a boundary and asked her to contribute to chores in the house. When I have expressed hurt and dismay at some of her actions that have impacted on me, she has said,’When you say things like that Mum, it just makes me not want to see you.’ Shades of her father and what he would say. It took a long time for me to see that my impotence was there because I was not actually setting a boundary and supporting myself, but rather, was hoping that she might change and be able to hear me and respond in a way that would enable a positive relationship.
So I have grown and have a happy life and a healed life. She may or may choose to relate or not. My job is with myself and I have created a happy and fulfilling life. Even if she does come back at some stage, our relationship will be one created out of who we are now and will be constructed on respect and boundaries where I actually get to exist as me and am respected for myself.
I have left my family system because my family is unable to see me for who I am and it is not healthy for me to stay. I wish I did have a loving family, but unfortunately that is not likely to happen. I do have a good relationship with myself and some close friends where I feel safe and at least I am psychologically healthy and now have the life that is integrated and is the one I would have had, had I grown up in a family that did not cause me to kill off my authentic self. Life can still be very good if we have the courage and commitment to do the inner work.
I suppose that is why I also chose to become an early childhood teacher because I am in a unique position to really understand how young children feel and I can see them and hear them and empower them to have their own unique voices.
It has been quite a journey Glynis and it is challenging to unravel all the ways that my unhealthy family has acted in ways that are harmful to me. I found it particularly difficult to see that my very kind and very sweet and caring mother, actually was the one who aligned herself with my siblings and others to ensure she got narcissistic supply. It really did not occur to me that I was being excluded to the degree I was and suddenly it has all become glaringly clear.
The last time I saw her was in December last year when she rang me to arrange a time to take me to lunch for my birthday. I was reluctant to go, but chose to and during the lunch conversation, when the conversation turned to my daughter and my distress about my mother’s lack of respect for my parenting and lack of taking any responsibility for the situation. I was furious and chose to leave the lunch. I can also remember another time when I separated from my ex and was grieving, and another time at a Mother’s Day about 10 years ago, when my daughter was living with my mother. My mother could not relate, nor empathise. It is lots of incidences like this with all the betrayals and abandonments and rejections over the years, and the way she has turned to other family members to rescue or support her, with no support for me, and exclusion from family events (that would not have been safe so I would not have gone anyway had I been invited), that have slowly caused me to see that some of the ‘nicest’ people are actually the most powerful and destructive. They say they love you but seriously, they do not know how to love themselves.
The truth has been let in fully now. I find it interesting that although I do not have a family that is available for me, my life has actually flourished since being apart from them.
I did have to laugh two years ago, at my sister’s accusation that I was a victim and should get on with my life more healthily. It was amusing to be able to tell her that I was a teacher with permanency (She has lost hers), I almost owned my own home, I had a great job in a great school, I cycled with a peloton each week for 50 -75 kms, and each weekday morning for 21.5 kms, I danced salsa at the top level and had some very supportive and close friends. I think perhaps the people who say such things, think they are going to keep the person they attack verbally in this way with this sort of projection, in a one-down position and feeling bad about themselves. It is so good to be able to know who I am and what is actually true about me and I am very proud of where I have managed to get myself in my life.
I am also very, very thankful to all the committed and loving people who were responsible for helping me heal and get to this point in my life. Without their help, I would have still made the journey and healed. However, with the support of people who believed in me, affirmed me, listened to me, saw me for who I was at my core, and who gave me genuine human warmth and love, I made the journey solidly and now can help others to make that same journey. When I retire, I plan to turn my garage into a consulting space and become a life coach. I have had many requests for me to complete a book with the information in it that has assisted others. It is in process, but not quite ready to be written.
Thanks for being open to learning my story. I did have another narrative long ago, but have now created a new one. That is the good thing about our lives. We do not have to settle for the old narrative with its old unhealthy beliefs, but can create a new, more positive narrative with healthier beliefs that serve us better as adults.
Suzanne – Thank you for sharing the wisdom of your experience. I think that others reading here will find some true inspiration, and know that there is life after scapegoating. Best of luck, and please let me know when your book comes out and/or you set up your coaching practice.
Jennifer – I am so sorry to learn that your parents have succeeded in marginalizing you in your son’s life. It’s unforgivable that your parents encourage your son to align against you. This must be very tough for you. Under the circumstances, I am moved by your positive attitude and how you’ve managed to transform such a difficult situation into an opportunity to rebuild your life. I hope that you and your son will be reunited one day under much healthier circumstances. 🙂
Thank you Glynis. I think the hardest thing is explaining to people that yes, I have a child, but I do not get to see him. It is ALWAYS awkward for everyone involved, and it always re-opens the wound and makes me very emotional. It is a difficult situation to describe because people from healthy families simply cannot comprehend my mother’s cruelty. Inevitably I am asked a ton of questions and given several suggestions. Usually the response makes me feel guilty, because there is an implication that there must be something I could do legally. I have exhausted every resource, and I simply cannot afford to fix this problem in court. It is so nice to see groups online of people with similar experiences who understand, because healthy people cannot understand life with a narcissistic parent.
Can I use the no contact hand for my cover page or where can i get one? lol
Karen 😉
…this is spot on, btw. I have went into no contact recently.
This is great advice but is there any contingency for when there is tangibly no abuse and the person is legitimately delusional? My sister recently suffered a nervous breakdown after having a son go through Cancer and she now thinks that all of her family, and all of her friends, are narcissists. Its something we can’t break through on because she refuses to communicate. There is so much signal to noise on the narcissist support group spectrum that it makes it almost impossible to break through and to find a healthy road to communication. Everyone just wants to legitimately help and or find some closure but they can’t.
a million thanks to Glynis i thought i was insane before i discover your blogsite. More power and God bless you.
Ramco – So glad that my article has helped you in such a significant way. I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
Great thankyou is important for survival
Dee – You are most welcome. If you are comfortable elaborating, what could you relate to best?
I went ‘no contact’ by accident with two of my three siblings just over 12 months ago, I hadn’t heard of the term ‘scapegoat’ or ‘no contact’ or indeed realise that narcissism was a factor at the time. Indeed I think that they might have stopped talking to me in the first place because I stood up for my feelings calmly (!) for the first time ever and I just continued what they started? I wasn’t even sure that they noticed until recently. Then when my mother stopped talking to me in September I didn’t run after her either, I made it clear that she is not welcome in my life any more when she tried to continue where she left off I wasn’t having any of it.
I started reading on narcissism a few weeks ago when I was trying to find the words to explain to a friend how how things are in my family and it was like a light bulb switched on and I could see! Some of the blogs I read made me feel uncomfortable, too much festering in the situation, I like this article cos it says it how it is without the victim thing. It feels more like “this is how it is and from here you can move on”….
I found it quite spooky how this article today reflected almost 100% my own experience so far, in particular, for this week, it reinforced my feeling that if there is to be contact with my siblings again (something that I would love in right circumstances) I need for them to acknowledge their behaviour and and to apologise in a way that means they will be more aware in future and strive to not do it again. Instead, I find that they are saying that their version (which makes them sound quite reasonable) is true and by implication that means that my version of what I KNOW happened is untrue and that at best I am delusional.
Right now, I grieve for the family I never had and enjoy the peace of mind of knowing that I am NOT crazy. I cannot tell you what a relief this is. I am not one for labels but this model of behaviour and the roles others in the family can play is really helping me to move on! As a bonus, for the first time to really understand that my siblings are also victims of our circumstances and they are doing what they can to survive our conditioning – I have space in my head now to understand that my mother is how she is because of her circumstances too, she is heading for her 80’s now and is unlikely to change and when I have energy and in time I will probably try to make some sort of peace with her. I do still hope that my siblings might be able to adjust their behaviour but if they don’t that is ok too, they are all quite successful but haven’t had time to work on themselves as I have.
This is the closest I have come to moving on and forgiveness in a long time, it seems that every 10 years I make a breakthrough and enjoy that when it hits me again but on a different level.
I have no doubt that I will read the same article in a few weeks/months/years and find another gem that I cannot quite process right now. Thank you.
I went NC last August on my father after he defended my then husband for physically assaulting me . He told me as long as he wasn’t hitting me everyday , I should get over it . He also told me I would regret leaving my then husband for the rest of my life because I didn’t have much to offer anyone .
Both my father and then husband are Narcissists . I never realized it until
last summer .
So I divorced the husband and went NC with him and went NC with my father also .
They both spread lies and assault my character to others . But I’ve read enough on Narcissists the past 5 months to know it’s not it’s not nor was it ever me. They are disordered characters who need supply and will bring scorched earth down on you when you take away their power going NC.
It was very brutal and hard to do but it was worse being the scapegoat by a father and husband !
Now I’m at peace and working on me and boundaries! No is a complete sentence and I will never again allow anyone to abuse , disrespect , or demean me .
Christina – Your courage and strength are immense. Congratulations on doing the hard – though painful – work of separating from family you should be able to depend on, but hurt you so deeply. The road to healing is built by treating yourself better than the way abusers make you feel. You are well on your way. All the best for a peaceful and rewarding future – with yourself and others.
I am thinking of going NC with my family. I grew up with a religious narcissistic mother who manipulated me into living with her for 30 years and never dating, seeing a movie, or doing normal things. Finally, I moved unexpectedly and she changed to an angel and claims that I had a great childhood. She has removed any evidence that I didn’t.
However, my sister was an angel 50% of the time and tried to lie about me and get me in trouble the other 50%. For fifteen years, she would also grab me sexually, try to force me to let her kiss me sexually, and would purposefully watch me dress or try to walk in on me in the shower. My mother would not stop these things, because my sister was the favorite. Also, I always excelled in school while she didn’t and it fueled her bad behaviors toward me. She would be very nice in front of our mother while being moderately nice to outright mean to me. Finally, I got a nice job, a new car, and was featured in a magazine in a short period and she became so mad that she set me up in a scheme to crash my car. She then called family to turn things around and hide what she did so that they would be mad at me.
As long as I do not talk about the emotional abuse, I can get along with my mother. However, my mother is trying to force me to have a relationship with my sister and to tell her my new residence and job. However, considering how she acted the last time, I am afraid of how she might react because this job is better than the last one.
I am thinking about completely severing what is left of the relationship with my sister and also my mother because she is trying to force me into a relationship with my sister.
AG – Sounds like firm boundaries all around are what is called for here, whether your mother appreciates that or not. I can completely understand why you are considering going No Contact with your sister. With regards to your mother, you may want to read my article on Low Contact here: https://glynissherwood.com/low-contact-the-scapegoats-compromise/ Best of luck to you!
DireStraits – Thank you for the positive feedback on my article. Glad it’s been of help to you. Yes, the very people – like your sister – you need to go no contact with, are the one’s who will continue to test healthy boundaries they neither understand nor have respect for. It can be a lonely path, but you are on the right one. I’d encourage you to get emotional support to help you deal with the understandable grief and loss. All the best.
No contact is difficult, and having a Narcissistic Mom who controls everyone is an intractable problem, wish their was an easy solution to this harmful problem, as might be related to finding peace on earth. When will the medical profession take family scapegoating seriously?
Thank you so much for this article. It is written succinctly and describes so much of how I and many others feel. Being able to know that others share the same experience, to feel like I’m not alone or going mad, is invaluable.
I will read this again when I feel lost. Thank you.
Devon – Thanks so much for the positive feedback on my article – glad it was helpful and can give you some comfort. All the best.
Sarah – Grieving, though hard, is an important part of the healing process. It certainly is challenging to allow difficult emotions to come up when they were taboo or unsupported in family. However you can ‘learn’ to access – and process – your feelings in therapy, and overcome false guilt. So there aren’t any quick answers here Sarah, but what I would suggest is that you find a therapist – like myself – who is knowledgeable about family scapegoating as you work towards becoming the person you are meant to be. All the best.