Self Acceptance – The Key to Self Worth

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change

~ Carl Rogers

Self Acceptance – The Foundation of Mental Health and Positive Relationships

Nobody contacts me for counseling complaining that a lack of self acceptance is a problem for them. Instead, people say things like “I lost my confidence”, “I have problems with stress”, or “I have low self esteem”, or “I feel guilty and sad about how my family treats me”. 

When these thoughts are ascendant, what’s often lurking beneath the surface is a deep seated belief that there is something fundamentally flawed about themselves.  Even if this feeling of being ‘flawed’ is mostly unconscious, it will often break through during times of personal or interpersonal stress.  It may then be experienced as everything from self doubt to self hatred.  Ultimately, when a person believes they are defective, they harbor feelings of shame, and fear that they are worthless and unlovable.

It’s critical to become aware of beliefs that make you feel inadequate or defective, as self acceptance is the key to a mentally healthy self image and positive relationship dynamics.  Self esteem can be a feature of self acceptance, but tends to be transient and conditional, dwelling more on the surface of life, and based on external validation or accomplishment.

 

Self acceptance is built on a foundation of understanding that, to a large extent, we are the architects of the thoughts and feelings that create our own reality.  When we see ourselves as ‘agents’ in our own lives, rather than ‘reactors’ to what life throws at us, we realize we can choose to believe in ourselves.  When we accept ourselves, we stop judging ourselves by the shifting standards of the world.  We see ourselves as part of the bigger picture of life, as an organic process not a destination, rather than a success or failure.  We can reduce anger towards ourselves and the world, while at the same time remaining accountable and assertive.  Aligning our beliefs with valuing ourselves leads to lasting peace of mind.

 

Disordered Families and Scapegoating Damage Self Worth in Children

When people first start counseling they are often unaware that negative core beliefs are profoundly interfering with their lives. This is due to two main reasons:  

1. They have been subjected to Scapegoat abuse.  In other words, they have been ‘programmed’ since childhood by their family of origin to carry false shame.  This is particularly the case in Narcissistic and AntiSocial family systems.  In these disordered families, the child is taught that love is conditional on their alignment with the shifting goal posts of pleasing the troubled parent. They are also conditioned to believe that they are to blame for family problems that caretakers project onto the child.
2. Core beliefs tend to operate on a subconscious level, just outside of conscious awareness. You can tell that deep set beliefs are running you by what you are thinking and how you feel emotionally. 

Beliefs are often confused with ‘facts’, remaining unquestioned, despite negative outcomes for the believer.  If negative ideas have taken hold, you will likely struggle with recurring painful judgments and emotions about yourself and/or the world.

Counseling and Therapeutic Coaching helps people pull back the curtain so they can see how these harmful beliefs are sabotaging them. They can then begin the valuable work of redefining themselves from a more positive – and more accurate – perspective.

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Self Acceptance is the most important feature – and goal – of psychological well being.  Without self acceptance, we cannot operate from a stable sense of personal value, which is the foundation of mental health.

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Lack of Self Acceptance Undermines Truth and Steals Your Peace of Mind

 

People who believe there is something inherently wrong with them struggle with chronic self doubt at best, or feelings of shame at worst.  As noted, sometimes they were raised to believe that they were ‘trouble’, or came to assume they were bad for having problems or needs of their own.  If a child’s needs for love, connection, self expression, and safety remain unmet, this gets misinterpreted as evidence of worthlessness.  Childhood abuse or neglect are particularly devastating threats to self worth, and the experience of being devalued, ignored or punished for having needs can lead to ongoing feelings of inadequacy.

 

The inability to accept oneself is usually propped up by one or two core beliefs:  1/  I’m not good enough; 2/  I’m too much.  Either way, you can’t win, as the common denominator is that you feel unacceptable and inadequate.  So you end up being convinced by these beliefs that you are inferior – at least in some respect – and holding yourself back, as you are afraid to show your true self.  In fact, you may not even know who your true self is.

 

Lack of self acceptance can either be compartmentalized, occupying only a corner of oneself, or more pervasive, taking over your view of your whole self.  You may think that a part of you is OK, while other part(s) don’t measure up.  This leads to inconsistent or chronic low self esteem.  If you feel this way you will be insecure around other people. You may struggle to accept and trust your emotions due to the undermining influence of negative self assessment.   Intimate relationships also suffer if you constantly worry about whether you measure up, as fear of abandonment controls the relationship rather than love, and trusting in the security of the connection.

 

In its most deadly form, lack of self acceptance is caused by a belief that you are fatally defective as a human being.  If you think you are a ‘mistake’, you are much more vulnerable to feelings of shame.  Shame is like  psychological quicksand, as it keeps you trapped in the assumption that you are irredeemably defective.  Many people who struggle with shame have their lives stunted, either by never experiencing personal satisfaction or peace of mind, being isolated from others, not living up to their potential, or falling into addictive behavior.

 

Paradoxically, as Carl Rogers noted, when we accept ourselves it lays the foundation for positive change.  I take this to mean that when you are no longer at war against yourself, you can relax, stop worrying about not being perfect, and accept becoming the person you are meant to be.

 

You Can Learn to Accept Yourself – Here’s How:

1. Dig Deep – identify what you believe that’s making you view yourself negatively.  This is extremely important, as our beliefs make up our world view of ourselves and others, and control our thoughts and emotions.
   
   For example, a thought like ‘Why bother trying, I’ll just mess things up’, might be traced back to a core belief that you are incompetent, or doomed to fail. 
   
   Or perhaps you feel chronically lonely and sad, and working backwards realize you are thinking, ‘Nobody truly loves me’.  When you go deeper, the core belief behind that is likely some version of  ‘I’m unlovable’.
   
   You will likely notice themes of shame based narratives keep you feeling discouraged and inadequate.

• Work to uncover all of the negative core beliefs that are running interference in your life.  Usually there is more than one.  Understand how these beliefs are affecting your thought processes, emotions and moods. Think back to where these negative beliefs came from.  Get a clear picture.  If you were a child who was neglected, abused, shamed or unloved, realize that you did not possess the ability to see yourself as valuable in the face of adult – especially parental – disapproval.   Feel empathy towards yourself as someone who was taught or convinced to not believe in yourself.
• Challenge those negative beliefs.  Demand ‘proof’ that you are not OK.  Just because you are in the habit of going along with false beliefs doesn’t mean they are true.  They just shout louder and have dominated the room of your mind for a long time.
  
  Negative beliefs are two dimensional stereotypes not truths!   What else do you know about yourself that’s both more hopeful and – most importantly – a more truthful reflection of who you really are?  What redeeming qualities do you have? What have you done in your life that says to you that you are a decent, worthwhile human being?  Do not short change this process.  Start a ‘Success Journal’  reserved exclusively for recording positive truths about yourself.  You need evidence like this on days when you will feel tested, on the road to healthy self worth.
• Practice, practice, practice.  It took years to build up negative beliefs about yourself, so it’s important to understand that it will take time to overcome them.  Even if you feel uncomfortable, or the positives seem small, it’s essential to identify the upside, so you can get both a more realistic and optimistic view of yourself.

It takes hard work, dedication and discipline to take your life back from shameful beliefs and start accepting yourself.  You are on a vital journey to help yourself overcome painful, limited and false ways of seeing yourself, so you can achieve the hopeful and confident view of your life you want and deserve.  Cultivate patience, and focus on what you can do to shift your perspective today. This may feel unnatural or unbelievable for a while as it’s unfamiliar.  

Remember, just because standing up to negative beliefs feels unfamiliar, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Give yourself a chance to develop faith in yourself, by putting toxic myths behind you.  Remember you have the right to needs and feelings that don’t put others ahead of yourself.  Gradually this practice will start to pay off, you’ll start to believe in yourself more and more, and it will become part of the fabric of your life.

photo credit: Love Yourself  by Viri G